Coupon Fantatics

I’ve recently taken a part time job in retail…

I had to let that sit for just a bit. Actually, I really like it (granted I’m only going off my 2^nd day) but I enjoy retail. YES, I like clothes and shopping and just the whole way stores smell….I even like working with my most of my customers!! Look at the word MOST, that’s a key factor in any of my future posts about my job…

But, I want to shed some light on coupons…those pesky little pieces of dying trees (yes, I went there!) that make up about 40% of trash in your home, car, bags, or wherever you throw them. Working in retail, I have a new ideas about how these “golden tickets” that cause havoc in my new word of retail.

The fine print. Those little words can either leave my customers feeling defeated or just out right attacked. That yes, ME, with my over huge smile (because everything I do is done ornately!) and trendy outfit have just taken your god given discounts away…

Sadly, no. I would love to give you the discount and I don’t understand the rules that “corporate” makes…I’m just the messenger that brings forth their final say in what they deem as the gregarious gift for being a loyal customer to our stores.

What to watch for: coupons not being used with other coupons or DISCOUNTS (example: senior citizens); cannot be used during special shopping hours (example: early bird hours); or even weird ending prices (!!! I know, I just realized stores did this one). Take heed my fellow shoppers and coupon fanatics!!

Simple math. When ringing up the total and the customers realizes that anything under %30 is really just paying for your taxes. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve walked into numerous stores with the “golden ticket” of %20 off feeling this euphoria to what I assume the Kardashians must feel when shopping—to when that final total is rung up. That nope, I’m not a Kardashian, nor do I have their budget, but I’m a normal person who just maybe over spent on things that I didn’t need.

DATES! I’m still a victim to this!! Who honestly pays attention to dates, except maybe our extreme couponers (which kudos to yall!! Round of applause that you’re that dedicated); but for what I assume the majority of us do, we don’t look at dates. We’ve got a stinking coupon and for once it’s more than just %30 percent…it’s an actual%50!! You’ve stashed this little gift from the retail gods, in a special little place, so when the opportunity presented itself you could use it. BUT, then that over smiling over trendy dressed sale assistant mumbles (because we know, we know how you’re going to react) “I’m sorry the coupon expired”. The word darkens, clouds assemble overhead, small children scurry to sanctuary and you realize that you’ve been wronged!

Coupons…what can I say. They don’t make the world go round, but in retail they make my job just that much more interesting…

Hair 101 or not...

           To my fellow females, today my blog is dedicated to you and to the future females of the world. How many of us have spent ideal hours on the dreaded “Pintrest,” this is not a time for shame…we’ve all done it. They’ve got recipes, inspirational quotes, and of course wonderful “how tos” for any personality. So who could blame us for spending hours upon hours of filtering fun. 

            Ahhh but today, let’s rethink those wonderful (insert numerical value)5 minute easy hair styles for any hair type... Don’t judge ladies, we’ve all glanced at them, because honestly when it comes to maintaining the mane, not many of us can walk out of the bathroom just leaving it to its own devices. If I did that on the regular, I'm sure I'd have to attach a disclaimer when out in public!

            Let me shed some light on the battle these oh so easy hair style guides present themselves; or maybe I'm the only who has hair that is this difficult. So filtering threw several posts and finally selecting among the ever so popular "Buzzwothy.com" I'm ready to transform my hair into Volia! what will be my life changing hair do for the day!! (Disclaimer: I love Buzzwothy and am no way shaming their wonderful articles!!)

            I begin scrolling along the choices….ehhh my hair can’t pull that off…that looks worse than my hair at the moment…ohh maybe..nope! to many steps…but wait…I like this one..yeah…let me click to make it bigger! Because this is what we’ve all done we’ve clicked on those articles. You look through the pictures and start marking off in your brain whether you even have the skills at the moment to pull that off. Then finding a picture you click on it to make it bigger, because honestly you can really see what she’s doing in those pictures! Because this majestic work of art should only take a matter of minutes to complete, they just show pictures and no directions…UM! WTF!?? Sure, how hard could it be? It’s just hair, it’s just pulling hair that way and this way…wrong! It’s so much more…I know you’re sitting there nodding!! Honestly how can I tell what she’s doing with that hand and where did she pull that piece of hair from….then you look at the next pictures and it might as well be a different head of hair! Seriously it went from simple bobby pin insertion and now her head of hair is becoming this magical majestically hair dream… If for some reason a guy is reading this…you should stop…like seriously, go watch ESPN!

            After scrunching my eyes to comprehend what this obviously talented creature has performed in these pictures (Who’s taking the pictures? How does she look so good just ala natural? I know if I just snapped a picture of myself I’d need a least several filters…I HATE THIS WOMAN) I begin to work on my hair.

5 minutes later, I’m still trying to understand how my hair looks nothing like the picture…”teasing” just made my hair look like a frizz ball, did she use hairspray or maybe unwashed hair?! Those beautiful hair twisting things I attempted look like, I just didn’t brush my hair from this weekend…I QUIT!

10 minutes later…I just combined what I know I can do, hair spray, oh cute bobby pin thing and side part and VOLIA!  Just like the picture!! I knew I could do this!! All done in less…well now…crap! I’m late again…

Sooo in conclusion…I would like a real article, with detailed play by plays of the calamity that may ensue when performing such tasks. Because, I know and you know, the hair we carry with us…is own little personal cross we deal with on a daily basis...

Affirmed...

Yes...affirmed. It's how I feel about my life right now or more the fact that at the age of 28, I can say I'm pretty affirmed with myself and where my life is going. Let's not be crazy and think I've got it all figured it out...because I don't; but that's OK! 
Because I love lists... Let me list some of my affirmations for MYSELF (note: I stated myself because these are my affirmations)

1. I'm happy with who I am. I'm not perfect and I will never say I am. But, I'm a decent individual. 
2. I'm a social butterfly. Yes, I like to go out and enjoy the company of my friends, because I'm human and humans like social interactions. 
3. I don't conform. Yeah I march to my own little beat...its fun though!
4. I respect everyone in this life and will treat them accordingly. 
5. I don't judge anyone, because no one is perfect and people make mistakes all the time. 
6. I can forgive because I too need to be forgiven at times
7. We have one life to live...so I live up to my standards and my beliefs. I will not live someone else's life. 
8. I'm single and I'm not in a rush to get married. I do want children and a marriage, but I want to keep figuring me out. For my friends who are married, congratulations and I'm truly happy for you; but I know that chapter isn't here in my life. 
9. I make mistakes and that's okay. Sometimes the best stories come from making mistakes and learning from them...
10. I move forward...the rest of my life cannot be lived in the past.
11. I'm a nerd. I'm educated and somewhat well rounded in a variety of things...but it makes for interesting conversations with me!
12. I have secrets...that's why my hair is so big!
13. Life is hard, happy, sad, fun, and messy.

In the end, these are my own affirmations. Some days we need reminders that we're not horrible people and that our worth is important--even if you're just important to yourself (which is a big deal). Everyone affirmations are different, and it should be, but for me I'm happy with my affirmations. For anyone who reads this, I hope you can look at your life and find a few affirmations that make you smile. 
Peace & Love always...

You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.
-Christopher Robin 

Lucky...

     That's how I can sum up my past week. I can't control death or when I get to say my final goodbyes to the people I love and cherish the most...but I can look back and relish in the fact that they were part of my life for however long or little that was. Having to say goodbye to my aunt was something that we'd been told might happen, but getting that phone call doesn't change the fact how hard it was to say bye. I'd be a big liar if I said I wasn't still sad over her death or even shocked...but I can say I'm so lucky to have the family that I have.

        You probably think I'm boasting or bragging...."your family is crazy and dysfunctional!!" And you know what...they are! BUT, we love each other and are always there for each other. Sure, we may not always get to hang out with each other...but these people were my first friends ever....seriously before my mother let me socially interact with strangers...she set me out with my cousins, test the road out, see if I'd kill anyone--I left some bruises but we all lived!

       My family has been there for me for so many of the downs in life, but they've been there for the ups too. So when my family is faced with tragedy it comforts me to know that the shoulders I'm leaning on or shedding tears are from the people I've grown up with since birth. These people actually like to hang out with my crazy self and yet we're not above from fighting over the last piece of pizza or who was watching the TV last. Sure, you'll catch us running around the house because someone is gonna touch with a booger...and yeah we're all over the age of 21--yet our parents will still discipline us with the "chancla" sandal. But, we do like to play bingo or surprise each other with our favorites just cause we know that we enjoy those things. If you've been blessed with such a family...thank your lucky stars!

Peach & Love Always...

Insomni-addict....

Wow! Almost two years since the last post...haha life has been going...
But when in doubt a list is always a good idea

*teaching hasn't changed...still at it! This time in another language ;) Buenos Dias
*I live up to my standards...really hasn't changed
*after a rough yr in my small town in the mountains I moved...for the bigger and better things of a smaller town on the outskirts of the city
*took my first cool trip vacation and fell in love pretty hard for the tropics...
*found new friends that have slowly wormed their way into the icy depths of my heart...haha but it's ok
*my family...gotta hand it to them..I still love all of them and they still love me
*death has still managed to weasel it's way in...boo you whore!
*haters gonna keep hatin' I toast thee in wanting to take the time to hate on my boring self!
*still haven't regulated my sleep schedule...
*im a big kid now....live all by my self...it's lonely but who gets to walk around in cape from room to room! Haha bet u thought I'd say naked!!

And...I love the never ending adventure I embark on...

It's a hard knocked life...

 I had to face another death, that was just as painful as losing John. John’s mother has dealt with so much these past two years, not to mention over the years in general. She struggled with heart problems and cancer, before all of the stuff with John. She was never the same after John’s death, but I don’t think any of us were—no let restate, we were never the same and we won’t be, that’s a fact. 

I grew up knowing “The General” or “General Micky” for most of my life. She was always there throughout John and my formative years in school. High school had many memories in that library of hers, where John and I spent countless hours skipping class and passing the afternoons away. Later, through my adult years and after John’s death, Micky and I, we developed a friendship, that centered not just on John, but books and life. We had many conversations this year from all my hardships I was facing to her hardships to what we were currently watching on T.V. or reading.

Despite her strength, I think the past two years were taking its toll on her body. She passed quickly and unexpectedly. It’s true, I didn’t take the news well and I’m still handling it. I’m happy that she’s with John, resting and being with John; but I will miss her more than I thought I would. As I face this next school year, I know I will not look forward to that library being under someone else’s care. That will forever be Micky’s library. I’m not sure how I will handle this school year.

Isn’t it just like life, to throw its lemons at you, just when you’ve begun to think “Oh, I got this, look at me, I’m going to be okay.” This summer has been full of little surprises, especially ones I did not see coming. I really thought this summer would be filled with tons of romantic endeavors and busy school work. Life is amazing like that. Because despite the fact that I’m not happy with the recent turn of events, I always find the silver lining, and the silver lining I see it’s pretty amazing…peace & love always…

"If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together... there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart... I'll always be with you."
— A.A. Milne

Romance at every age...

It's true, I'm huge sucker for the romance. I love all romantic movies and I get teary eyed when watching them! I think that when someone takes the time to make something special or treat someone to something they enjoy, well that's beautiful. Yes, cheesy, but it makes me tear up with happiness. Hahaha I know, coming from the girl who prides herself on her new found independence. BUT, I've always been a sucker for the simple kindness of everyday human interaction, whether it's small or huge. Take for example, my favorite flower to receive..gerber daisies or sunflowers. Yes, I love weeds, I think they're just beyond beautiful. I think roses are pretty and nice, but if you really want to get me grinning and win extra bonus points, take the time to find a weed. John, once tried to cheer me up, I was having a rough day. He went out and bought me a Shrek coloring book and big fat jumbo crayons (I love the Shrek movies & coloring) and a red rose. Now, as he handed the gift over, I was just happy to 1. be getting a surprise gift 2. I was getting colors 3. I was getting a coloring book too! Before, I could even say "thanks!" He says, I'm sorry.  I know roses are not your favorite, but I couldn't find a sunflower or gerber daisy to save my life, all I found were roses. I looked at him and I said, John, the fact you tried to find my weeds is just as good as getting me a real one and you've made my day, thank you! I was thrilled that he got me things I loved and despite the fact that he gave me a rose, I knew he tried to find my favorite--which is what mattered. 


That's why I love romance movies or stories. The people go out of their way to make things special for that person to see them happy, that is just so amazing and the true art of love. To love someone, you'd do anything to see them smile and be happy. So, yes, I know I'm hard on myself about getting into a relationship with anyone, but it's only because I know I want different things then what most people usually want. BUT, I do love romance and I love when people go out of their way to do something to make me smile or something nice just for me. 


Which is why I love to give my friends gifts. I love to see their smiles and their faces light up when I give them something that means a lot to them; because I love them and I love seeing them happy. I hope and truly wish that everyone in this world gets some sort of love, because it makes me really sad to just think about someone not ever feeling loved or feeling important to someone. Everyone deserves loves and kindness, no matter what they've done or will do. Love is also more than just two people being physically attracted to each other. Real love is when you care about that person's happiness and you'd do anything to help them achieve that. Love is knowing despite the fact that you'll make mistakes, you still matter to someone at the end of the day and they care if you're okay. 


In short, go out and love. What do you have to lose? Oh, I'm sure you'll make a fool of yourself, but someone will appreciate the effort. People need all the love they can get, it's something that is always needed and we'll never tire of. I'll end with that silly old bear...but peace and love always <3


"Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. "Pooh?" he whispered. 
"Yes, Piglet?" 
"Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's hand. "I just wanted to be sure of you." 
— A.A. Milne (Winnie-the-Pooh)

Summer Lovin'

My title is such a tease!! There is no huge romance in my life at the moment...don't worry I'm not like devastated. Besides, I like keeping what little romance happens in my life under-wraps, the serious parts. Oh, I've had some run-in with boys and the general crazy chaoticness that is associated when two people find themselves potentially attracted to each other; but in all seriousness...the real dirt on my love life...well only a select few know the real story and that's how it's going to stay. I think when the time is ready life will unveil the story for that. I know what I want, I want someone to just hang out with and build a general relationship that is centered on friendship. You won't see me jumping into the love thing just a after a few months, no, it's going to take time and I want that. I don't want something based on fluff. I want something that is legit and worth wild, you only get one life on this Earth and I'm going to make it priceless. But, that's the real story on my love life at the moment. Don't worry I do have many funny, sweet, and awkward adventures with guys...maybe I'll share them, but that's another blog.


I'm going to school for my summer, which I actually enjoy. I'm a nerd! I love summer school, I love the laid back feel and the sense of happiness that is felt everywhere because it's summer. But, life has to throw in those little speed bumps to spice things up. I was in car accident a week ago. I've never been in such a situation, it was scary and just all sorts of craziness. I didn't panic, I was more concerned with the fact that my insides felt like they'd been punched by a huge fist of steel...which I guess they were. The guy ran the red, but in his defense the lights are in such a bad spot. Only Lubbock would put street lights on a major highway!! He was freaking out more than I was! I was so disoriented by it all, all I could focus my head on was that I had class and I needed to get there to tell them why I wasn't going to be showing. I was also trying to move around and see the damage of it all. I had a small head wound that was bleeding and I couldn't see or feel it. Everyone's major concern was my internal injuries and they were really quick about getting me out of the car and to the hospital to start the tests running. After several long hours, the results came back okay. I survived by some miracle and was able to walk out the same day. Now, I had not realized the seriousness of my survival rate until the next day when we saw the car and the overall attention from people I was getting. My car is totaled and the driver missed hitting me dead on by inches and the gas tank as well. That's about the most exciting thing that has happened this summer. I spent my 4th of July recovering and resting. I'm still hobbling around and I hope this recovery process hurries. But, it's given me time to think....


I've decided that I need to travel more and by traveling, I mean other countries. I'm actually glad I'm single. I can kinda do what I want when I want...which is beyond nice and fun. Alas, I'm car-less at the moment, but I love that I can jump into my car and go! I think a year from now, I may be jet-setting across the world. If I can land a teaching job... AMAZING!! If not, I'm still going. I like the idea of just going and trying to figure it out on my own. I see tons of scary adventures, but tons of memorable moments that when looked back on, I know I will never regret. If I can find a travel mate, even better. I don't see that happening, though. Most of my friends have jobs and seem content with the 9-5 lifestyle. I know John and I always talked about traveling and being a little gypsy like, and I figured, why not and what do I really have to hold me back? I don't have kids and my family, they love me and I love them, but they don't need me to be with them 24-7. I will miss them and I'm sure they'll miss me, but they know I'll always come back when they truly need me. I can't wait for those moments to happen, that wouldn't be living life. So the accident, well it's slowed me down a bit, but it's got me to think as I laid about this past week that I need to spice up my life living. I need to go find those adventures  even if it's solo. My lovely reader...cause I think I only have one...I leave with these words



The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
-Robert Frost


Peace & Love always....

Beautiful Mess

    What a beautiful mess I’m in…sings my radio as I drive through my sleepy town and wait it’s only noon here. But, I agree with this song. Life get’s so messy, it has to be beautiful!? As I take a look around my own personal life, it’s pretty chaotic, confusing, stressful and downright messy; but it has its beautiful moments—looking at the stars with my niece as I help her find the dippers and talking about how small we really are compared to the whole universe or laughing at movie or even just watching the sun set on another day here. Then I look at the news, seems the whole world is in the same boat as me…they’re just trying to stay afloat and enjoy what little beauty they get. We live in a world right now that is teetering on its own destruction. It makes me scared for my students in my class, they’re only starting out and it seems the world they’re going to grow up in is struggling to get by on a daily basis…makes me worry about when I start bringing my own children into this world. It’s true I can look at the news and probably find myself find myself in tears, over the horrors that are happening around me; but (there’s always a BUT) then if I take a few moments I can find the beauty too. I think of all the little things that make me laugh during the day—and there’s a ton. They range from laughing at my parents to my students to even myself or just running into some unusual kindness in everyday life. Sitting down with my colleagues to talk about their marriages, children, and even what books are out there to read; I find all those “mundane” things kinda beautiful. Sure, the world we live in now seems to be falling to pieces; but what makes it bearable is my faith, family, friends, and yes, good food—a simple definition would be LOVE. It’s true despite all the craziness out there, you’ll always find love.

     It’s true, I may not know where I want to go with my life; but for right now, I’m kinda of happy with it. I’ve got some really great people in my life and for the most part, I find myself laughing and smiling throughout the day. So yeah, I’m going to take what little happiness I find and enjoy it, like it’s going to be the last bit of happiness I’ll ever find. If there is anything I’ve learned recently, you’ve got to enjoy all of life’s little blessings, because they end all too quickly sometimes—even before we’re ready for them to end. Life is not mere chances or luck, everything that happens, well it happens for a reason; it’s all part of a bigger picture which is beyond our understanding. So, I could sit here and tally up all the negatives, which would high; but what a waste of time. I say, take those negatives and find the adventure in there, because there is sure to be some crazy stories that when looking back will leave you with a huge smile. It makes for a better story and journey...peace and love always <3

Yeah, I'm going to bitch about this....

Maybe I don’t have a right to talk about this or even feel the way I do about the situation I’ve experienced at school lately; I don’t know but I do know I get really heated and all out of sorts with my emotions. I think of all the injustices in the world and the one that affects me the most is child abuse. I don’t even know where to begin on that soap box. I feel like I’m always getting the students who are coming from these crappy situations at home and I have to play mother. Do I mind? No, I’d bring them home if I could, in a heartbeat, no questions, no second thoughts about it. But, it kills me to see my students having to face such adult like situations at the mere ages of 5/6. Makes you rethink the whole G-man, or maybe why would such a wonderful being would let those things happen. He has his reasons, even though I’ll never understand, that I’m pretty sure of.

I think what angers me the most is the parent’s attitude of trying to make me look like the bad person. I want to jump up and down, stomping my feet and point out that, I’m trying to keep your child safe from you, the person whom they love the most and need the most, yet you’re the person who’s hurting them the most, mentally & physically—but sure call me the bad guy. I’m the monster of a person, even though I pick up the pieces daily and re-patch whatever I can mentally, give them the love and support they’re obviously lacking at home. I get it, I understand, sometimes life just throws these horrible curve balls at us, but it doesn’t excuse the fact that you’re ignoring your child or taking out your frustrations on them---goodness they’re under the age of 7, they had nothing to do with the reasons why life can be so crappy, they’re victims too.

I pray every day for my students, some more than others, and I pray that I can be given the strength and guidance to help them and even foster love for these students. I thank my stars that my parents were really wonderful to me and that my niece and nephew are so lucky to have the parents they have. I see so many students whose parents have this mentality that their children’s needs are not a priority.

And as if I don’t already feel bad about putting the calls into CPS, but I get the calls from the parents as well—these attitudes like I did something wrong. Yes, I forgot, I’m supposed to ignore the huge bruise that is on your child’s face and the look of complete sadness and lack of life in your child’s eyes. I’m sure the next few days are going to be a bed of roses, but I’ll somehow survive it. I think I do it mostly for my students; I’ll gladly step into the fire for their sake, no matter how ugly things will get or how awful I’ll be treated or looked upon. I’m the only person they have who will fight that hard, to make sure they come out on top. Yes, it means me taking an emotional beating daily, but if not me then who? If their support system at home is a complete failure, how will these children survive the next 13 years of their lives? I don’t think people realize how much a teacher will do for their students; to make sure they’re potential is met or at least attempted. I don’t want the extra pay everyone cries about, I just want people to realize that their children lives are just as important as their own. Don’t get me wrong; there are some wonderful, amazing parents out there, but not everyone gets dealt those parents—those parents are a minority. I’m not sure what the future holds for the children who are growing up right now, I can only hope and pray that they be granted some happiness and love along the way, if not by their parents, then by others who truly care about them. So, share the love people, share the love. Peace & Love always….

Brrr...Baby I'ts Cold Outside...

     As the storm of the century hit most of the country and everyone tried to stay warm, I baked. I have this silly idea that I could maybe become an owner of a bakery shop/book store. John and I loved talking about baking, especially homemade baked goods, and what made something beyond delicious. We also loved to talk books, what the author was thinking or what they meant by the story. I miss those talks greatly. Baking and reading are still very crucial to my everyday life, sure I don’t get to discuss those topics with him anymore, but I’m sure he’s watching my attempts at trying to be the next Paula Dean or Julia Childs. I think about how he hated the cold with such a passion and how we’d discuss our ideas of running off to some warm beach to live our lives as jewel thieves!! Kind of makes me wonder, what if we’d done just that—the running to the beach, not so much the jewel thievery. We were huge dreamers and we just wanted to live life with as much fun as possible, not to mention the crazy adventures. I can easily say that this past year, I’ve totally slacked on that former self. I miss that person and I didn’t even realize how I’d stop being that person. It’s moments like when I’ll find myself laughing loudly at something and my parents looking at me then at each other with a look of “what do we do, she’s laughing? Should we laugh too?” Or when I’m being silly and dancing around or pulling pranks on my family, they give each other looks of we haven’t seen this person in a long time and it’s nice to see she’s coming back. I feel my own personal winter storm is coming to an end, because I’m of being so sad.

     Now, as for my beloved Texas, I hope Mother Nature is done. All this winter weather is kind of a drag. Boiling hot water to use for dishes, rolling blackouts, or being stuck indoors for several days gets old pretty quickly. To think when I first heard the news of the “impending doom” that would soon reach us, I giggled. I didn’t think it was anything to start stressing about, I figured a few days of miserable cold weather, which meant dressing in extra layers. When a fellow teacher was running around like Penny Henny advising us to make preparations (propane, water, etc) due to the winter storm that was headed our way, I thought, drraaaammmmaaattticc. I lived in a city for several years were school was not canceled unless over a certain number of accidents on the highway occurred and a there had to be more than a 1 foot of snow on the ground. So the news reports of weather being in the negatives, didn’t send me into a panic, I just made sure I had all my layers to go. The difference back in my home town is that they don’t have to experience this sort of weather on a regular basis, not to mention the unseen misfortune of power outages; so of course things went chaotic. But, I see our sun is back out today and many of the town locals are dealing with the aftermath of frozen pipes. So, I do hope Mr. Groundhog was right and spring is coming sooner or milder winter weather is headed our way. As for myself, I’m mentally preparing for an earlier spring. Stay warm my readers, peace and love always….

Worries 101

Well I survived this week, by the grace of the G-man. It’s little milestones like this that make me feel like I’m going to somehow make it out ok. That sure life has given me some really sour lemons, but I’m going to get my lemonade eventually. But, if I’m not worried about myself not being sad over missing my friend, I’m worried about other pointless things and I realized those worries are coming from the people I work with. I love all the help they can be for me and they’re great mentors as teachers, but they stress me out more about my own personal life then I do.

   Like last week, my assigned mentor who happens to be the other Kinder teacher as well, let me know she’d heard that my ex was dating. Now, I had prepared myself that this day would eventually come (for both of us) and I knew I would want my ex to be happy and I’d be a little hurt cause it would really finalize the end of us. But, I was not prepared to hear that he was apparently dating someone in their 30’s and with kids. This information could be lies and just nothing more than small town talk, which is how I played it off when my Kinder Mentor told me. I was like, “Oh, interesting, well good for him…I guess.” She tried to be really supportive by saying he obviously is stupid for dating somebody older than you and him and with kids!! She played the whole I was better off speech and I kinda went on auto pilot. I totally starting giving myself the whole “You’re fine, it’s okay, as long as he’s happy” motivators. But, honestly I was just a little ticking time bomb to a meltdown. So fast-forward to after school, I’m under my desk crying. Pathetic!! I know. But, I was crying and more upset about who he was dating then him actually dating. I was upset because it made me feel like I was really crappy person to be with; I thought he’d date someone really nice and our age and kid-less. I mean, he dumped me, because I wasn’t what he’d wanted, and I wasn’t good enough for him to want to spend his whole life with. So he goes and dates someone with kids and way older, does that mean I’m no better than that???!! That’s how it felt, even though it’s not true or meant to be taken that way. But, it totally made me realize how damaged my self-esteem is. Some people (my family and family friends) think I’m very pretty (I think they’re biased). I don’t think I’m a huge knockout, but I think I’m okay looking. Sure at first glance, I look pretty girly but I kinda have a tomboy personality. I like playing video games, watching movies, doing outdoor things, or stupid random things. I don’t know how to act flirty or sexy and I have no idea how to really hit on a boy. Don’t let my outward appearance fool you. I’m such a poser. LOL But, back to my self-esteem…

    How could I let someone like that have such a huge effect on my self-esteem?? It’s easy, because what I had wasn’t very much. Much of my self esteem was brought on by my ex. I had really bad self-esteem when I was growing up and it’s pretty much gone back to that now that I’m single. My ex was the first guy who ever really liked me back and it felt really awesome to find someone who liked me back for once, not to mention to think I was really amazing. I’d been pretty damaged by boys growing up and I kinda had this mentality that I’d never ever let myself really fall for someone. I had this image that I’d be a single mom and that I would have random hookups. I wasn’t going to be one of those stupid girls who fell in love. Never say never. I totally feel in love with two boys and I didn’t even realize it until it was too late. John I loved selflessly and still do. He taught me how to love without ever really having to think about it, I just did. I’m sure he felt the same about me. We loved each other for who we were and never thought twice about it. My ex, well he totally gave me my first relationship with a boy and it’s something I don’t think I’ll ever regret. It taught me a lot about myself and what I want for my future. But, it ending damaged what little self-esteem I did have. I just felt if I couldn’t even keep him around, am I ever going to be able to keep anyone else around. Yeah, things were said that I don’t think both us didn’t really mean when we were calling it off, or he was calling it off. Even though, he said things out of anger or confusion they still stick with me. So I worry about me ever finding someone who is really going to like me again. I try to be positive and think about how I don’t need to have someone to be happy; but it would be amazing if I could find someone who’d want to be my life buddy. Someone who’d want to watch movies, hang out, travel with, and spend our lives with and a have really great time too. I’m not like hardcore picky, but I’d like someone who’s nice, caring, funny, and open-minded—and of course they’d have to like all of me! I want a family, eventually, I think. But, back to my original point…It’s weird how we can let other people have such a huge impact on how we feel. It just throws me off. When I’m at home, I’m totally fine and kinda fully happy with myself. I watch movies, work out, listen to music, randomize myself (do random adventures around the house), talk to John/G-man, work on my writing or other art hobbies, and read. Look at all the havoc that was brought on by one person. I know my Kinder Mentor told me because it was her way of protecting me, I think she did it because she didn’t want me to hear it from someone else and it catch me off guard. She did it, so I could prepare myself for when I encountered that rumor in town. For all I know, it could be nothing but a rumor. I’m not upset that my ex is dating, I want him to be happy, I just would hope he’d find someone worth his time and that would bring out the best in him.

   Then this week, my 1^st Grade and Kinder Mentors pointed out that I need to get my head out of the books before my train passes me by. So now I’m stressing about the fact that I’m going to end up alone, because I’m not aggressive enough when it comes to dating boys. I don’t know how to be that girl who can walk up to a guy and be like sexy and be snagging dates left and right. I didn’t know that it was abnormal of myself not to be like those other girls. My family and most of my friends made it seem perfectly normal that I wasn’t like those girls; it wasn’t until my mentors pointed out that I was a little abnormal. It kinda had me in tears, but I didn’t end up under my desk crying this time. So what am I going to do? I’m going to have to teach myself to take what they say with a grain of salt. I realized this today as I tried running a mile (I say try because even thought I do a mile, I can’t run it fully, I walk when I get tired), that even though I may not do my mile at a full jog the whole time, I still finish my mile! So, yeah I may not know how to get myself a boyfriend or even a romance life, but I do know how to live my life—it may be a mess at times and even chaos; but it’s okay. I’m happy or I’m trying to find my own happiness, without having to have someone be my happiness. Yes, I loved John and my ex very much, but I shouldn’t have made them be the reason for all of my happiness. I should’ve found my own happiness within myself first. Peace & Love always…

“As God as my witness…”—Scarlet O’Hara (Gone with the Wind)

Looking out the window...

     Well, as I get ready to face what will be the year marking of my friend's death, so many emotions are running through me. I've been patiently (even though it doesn't seem that way) working though those emotions and feelings. I keep finding the blessings in my life and giving my thanks. I've been letting myself become consumed by grief and sadness for small parts of my day, because holding it in doesn't do any good. I've learned though my own experiences and the help of my therapist, that you have to let your self feel all those emotions to get through them and let them go. The healing process for anything painful that enters your life is a very long and tedious process. It's something that needs constant work, but I feel you can look at it positively, if you choose to. Sure, I could sit here and complain about how unfair all the major life changes in my life this past year have been, but what good does that do for me? How can I become a better person or even grow up to my full potential, if I just sit here and decided to be a Grumpy McGee? I think about how my friend would be proud of how I've decided to put a happy note all the grief that has entered my life. I know I could sit here and be some sad little human being, but when I look out my window I see all the life I'd be missing and I know my friend would not want that life for me. He would want me out there, with the rest of world having my own adventures and tackling all of life's fortunes and misfortunes head on, with laughter and smiles. Maybe  it doesn't make sense for everyone, but it makes sense for me. As the 25th approaches, I will face it head on with a huge smile, even if I cry, I will smile. I will end this month in smiles, I promised myself and my friend, that January would not be a month I looked at in dread, but a month of honoring for him. Something, I know he would love, a whole month dedicated to him and all that was him--laughter and love. 

   I've decided to start other blogs as well. I've been looking back at some of my earlier attempts at blogging and my poem writing. People have told me, I should write, as a profession, but I don't think my writing is meant for publishing. My writing is meant for me, as a hobby, like my reading. I write because it makes me happy, whether it's talking about my daily life or expressing my self through poems or stories. I never realized how much I write, to just write. I've been looking back at several journals I have and my myspace account ( hahaha I know!!) ; I didn't realize how much I'd already blogged. Sure, my poems are dumb, but they make me laugh. I feel I need to share that with someone, give them something to laugh about. I also need to share my thoughts on what I've been reading lately. I used to discuss in depth with John, everything I read. I miss that and why should that stop. I guess as the year approaches, I'm realizing that I've gotta get back into life and stop trying to not to live it. I never realized how much I'd already stopped because I was trying so hard to be perfect for everyone else. I stopped being who I was and I miss that person very much, just as much as I miss John. John loved me for who I was and I know if he existed, there is someone else out there too. I think my parents and my friends love me for who I am; and I've got to stop stressing about what they'll think because of how I act or what I want to do. I know they already love me for who I am and want the best for me. The best for me, is finding me again and being happy. 

    So as I struggle to face the upcoming days, I know this: even though there are going to be days that end with me in tears, there are going to be to other days that end with smiles and tears. I will live for those days and call me a fool, but I will find something to smile about at the end of each day. The past few weeks have been really hellish and I don't think I would've handled it as well, if I didn't do that. Here is to me, being a naive and optimistic fool!! Peace and love always.....

In a nutshell...a really big one

   I kinda looked back at my previous blogs, made me realize how much a person can change in such a little time. Maybe it's human nature? But, as I look back at those early blogs, I'm happy to say that I'm changing for the better--so I think. I was a heap of a mess a few months ago and I'm still somewhat of a mess, but I'm kinda of a put-together mess? LOL That's how I see myself. But, I look at the world around me and I feel it's in the same boat. Doesn't make me feel so unnormal.  I would like to tackle, perhaps some issues people have been wondering about myself.  People keep asking "So tell me, what's going on in your life?" Put's me off guard and my mind scrambles for all these possibles answers. Do you want to know how I'm dealing with the ex, john, my first grown-up job, or my love life?  Sometimes I assume people just know what's going on in my life, but I guess I don't tell them everything, or I forget who I tell what. That happens a lot. Unfortunately, several of my really close friends all live several if not tons of hours away from me. I keep in contact via phone calls, texts, and yes even facebook. The visits are rare but cherished with so much love and gratefulness for the encounters. So, when we do find ourselves catching up, I'm always surprised to find myself talking about things that I've assumed they already know about and they don't. So, I want to update people to what has been happening in my life. I'm going to do my best and give them a recap of 2010 and the new things that have happened in 2011.
     The year of 2010, started off really rocky. I was in the midst of planning a wedding and dealing with my best friends diagnosis of lymphoma. Unfortunately my friend lost his battle and so for the first part of the year I dealt with the grief that ensued after his passing. I've mentioned how close I was to this friend. As the year approaches, I'm starting to realize how final death is here on this Earth. I understood at the time that there was no coming back for my friend, but it still doesn't take that pain away or the missing of his physical presence. As time has passed, I've learned how to deal with that grief, in no way has it lessened or gone away, and it probably wont. I think I will learn how to live with that grief and accept it as part of my life as time goes on. 
  I started job hunting in the early part of the year as well. I'm a teacher and I hope one day to spend my days in a school library amongst the friendliness of books, not to mention the smells. I ended up snagging my first job back in my home town. The town I grew up in, not to mention my best friend and my ex. So coming home, to live with my parents, seemed like a good idea. I would live at home, without the worry of rent and be back in safe place. A place, I needed to help heal some of the hurt I'd already been dealt that year with. It has it's downsides, but what place doesn't. For the most part, my small town has treated me well. It was great place to start my adult life. I teach Kindergarten and I'm the youngest person in the whole district. My hallway (1st grade teachers, and the other Kinder teacher) have been such a blessing for me. Yes, they do get on my nerves; but it's mostly that they feel their opinions or beliefs are the best for everyone. Oh, I take what they say very seriously, but I don't always think what they think is best may be the best for me. They've been amazing for me and I thank God for them everyday. I think for the most part, I've hit it well with most of the staff, students, and parents of the students--Oh, I'm sure there are some people who could care less for me. It's hard to please everyone, but I try. I am looking for a new job or well a new place of location. I love living back at home and with my parents, but I miss being on my own. I miss the city. I do know I want to find a new location that is still small town or has the small community feel, but I need the city about 30 mins aways. I also need all year warmth. I hate the cold. So who knows where the next school year will find me. I'm going to hit the books again during summer. I need to finish my masters so I can get my library certification. I know teaching is an okay career for me now, but I don't know if it should be my permanent career. I love books and baking and if I could find something that tackles both of those loves, I'm going to do that. 
  We all know the story behind the ex. I feel I don't have to really describe all this again. I've talked plenty about this issue in my previous blogs. But, yep, I also got dumped this year. I greatly miss the friendship that developed in that relationship, but I have to let that fall back into place when it's time. I cannot rush it or even make it happen again if it's not meant to happen. But, I will always miss it. I do wish the ex the best in his new life and always will. I want him to find his happiness too. May have not sounded that way in the beginning, but who could have been of sound mind during the beginning of such a break up like that. I look back at the time, and I'm sure I sounded and acted a crazy fool. Maybe that's human nature too, who can predict or make humans act in the best way during such a stressful or life changing event like that. I do know, that I do regret any hurtful things I said or did during that time. I'm a little embarrassed by my behavior. 
  Here is an issue, that sooo many people pester me with...my love life. I wish I could say "This wonderful dark haired handsome mysterious great kisser romantic has walked into my life and swept me off my feet into this wonderful epic love adventure," but I don't live in a movie. I guess many people my age are all into dating strangers, but that's not me. I had this conversation recently with one of my friends. I just can't date some stranger I just met, sure I have several friends (who are male) if they asked or seemed interested in me that way that I would enter the "dating status" with. But,I'm not like consumed with this mission to find the "one" or even to find someone to date. Sure, if he came along I'd go along. But, it's not like a priority. I know, what a let down. hahaha  My colleagues are constantly displeased with this view of mine. I think they want me to be like the young people they see on TV and cannot help but want to live a little through me in those aspects. They are also obsessed (not in a creepy way) with a male friend of mine. They find him to be the prefect piece of male flesh in this little town. Do I blame them? No, this town is not filled with tons of  good looking male specimens. No wonder, my poor friend, is the center of their obsessions. He's not a horrible person to look at either. He's handsome, despite his humble protests. I just happen to be friends with him and it always makes for embarrassing conversations with my colleagues. The women I work with, are for the most part happily married, but they love to think they can fix me up with my next love story. They do it out of kindness and overall helpfulness. We live in small town, not much happens. I guess I'm the only thing they've got that is of mild interest. They are not the only ones who aware of my new single status, the whole town has become aware of it and small towns love gossip. Small towns sometimes do not comprehend how two individuals of the opposite sex cannot have more feelings for each others than just friendship, but it does exist. My colleagues just love that they get to be front and center of my love life (or they think they are) or what they assume is a love life. I'm constantly being introduced to new single potentials and I'm constantly letting them down with the outcomes. But,, I've said it before, I'm not going to enter a "dating relationship" with a complete stranger. I know, I'm a let down when it comes to a love story. But, rest assured when I get one going, I will blog about it. 
   What the future hold me for me is a complete surprise. I'm kinda excited about that, even though I get impatient. I hope it holds a few great travel adventures and a really awesome love story. I hope I find a career that makes me happy and financially stable, if rich is part of that equation...AMAZING LUCK!! I don't want the norm, I want my own norm and happiness. So come what may, I plan to be happy. I hope my readers do the same...find your happiness, no matter how off it is with the rest of the world's norms. Peace & love always....

She's a vogue kinda girl...

   It's true, I love reading the usual celeb gossiped filled mags or the typical hyped female mags you see on the newsstands; but what I really take the time to read and even subscribe to are magazines like Vogue or Harper's Bazaar. I love to look at the fashion and read about the fashion; not to mention they do feature a few good articles. These are not your typical run of the mill magazines, you'll hardly find the steamy articles about how to give your lover the top 10 most mind blowing whatever or silly mishaps people encounter with the opposite sex. Nope, these magazines will center around the fashion world and have (in my opinion) some really good pieces about life outside the mundane. If you haven't ever picked up one of these magazines, I say give it a try. You might find yourself surprised.
  Lately, I've been harping on this idea that sometimes people seem to try a fit into a mold that might not be them. Well, as I'm reading an article in Vogue, they had an excerpt from this book that tackled this issue. I found myself relating to this woman, despite our differences. The major one being she was a mother and she was tackling the huge issue of being the perfect mom and living up to the standards of her society's norms. I couldn't help, but think, honey we're all in the same boat. Some of us are just having to live to other norms, depending on their age or the society they live around. So as this piece addressed how dangerous it could be to try and mold ourselves into something that we may not be or could never be; I was thinking why the heck are people so obsessed with being something we're not. Easy, because we see it as something beautiful and our human nature is attracted to beauty or having things that seem desirable. It makes sense, of course people want what seems greener on the other side. But, at the price of losing who we are? Of course people would love to have the ideal, 9-5 job with the white picket fence and cozy home filled with the idealistic mom/dad combo with kids, not to mention Fido, carpool, PTA, play-dates & family game nights--because thats what everyone tries to have. But, who the heck filled that idea into our heads that this is the ultimate ideal??!! I know there are tons of people out there who may not want any of those things much less half of them. So, why do we force feed everyone to want to have those goals? 
  I don't have the answer and maybe never will. But, I do think we need to stop and think about what we really want for ourselves in this life. Remember, we only get one and why are going to live a life you maybe don't really want. Life is short, but we need slow down and take the time to figure out what we really want. I know I was headed into a sealed deal life not too long ago and I didn't even realize it at the time I wasn't ready. I thought I was ready, 100%, but that was because I'd made myself think I was; just because society made me feel that was what I wanted. I've lost a really good friend along the way too, all because I was obsessed with what society deemed as the perfect life goals. So, remember, as you go through this life and you come to major life choices--who's life are you leading, societies or yours? Who's choices are you choosing, yours or societies? 
  I can say at this moment, I'm living my life through what I want. For instance, this month I've decided to dedicate this month to my best friend who passed away almost a year ago. I decided that I wasn't going to look at his birthday or the mark of his yearly passing as something sad, despite how I may feel (not that I'm not going to let my self feel sad for missing him, because that is something I need to feel, to heal over his passing). I am going to honor this whole month in his honor, by doing his favorite things, from movies, food, and even adventures. Some people may find that weird and kinda on the morbid side, but it's my life and it makes me happy. Sure, that may not be the answer for everyone one who faces a situation similar to mine, but it works for me. I'm also secretly looking to relocate myself to a bigger city and contemplating running a small business (pastry/cafe/bookstore?).  I love the small town life, but my current small town life is way to far from the big city and I need some big city adventures. Some people who look at my current life situation may think, you should probably be on the search for the perfect husband and trying to settle down into having a family. But, I still want to do so much before all of that and I need to decide what kind of family life I'd like to have. Do I want my family to consist of the normal mom/dad/children combo or do I want to adopt and be a single mom? If I can't answer those questions with a definite answer, I'm not ready for that life. I'm barely starting my life and I have a lot of time to settle down and start a family in good time. Find your happiness no matter how much different it may be than others definition happiness. Peace & <3 always...
"People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness.  Just because they're not on your road doesn't mean they've gotten lost.  ~H. Jackson Brown"


"Well," said Pooh, "what I like best," and then he had to stop and think.  Because although eating honey was a very good thing to do, there was a moment just before you began to eat it which was better than when you were, but he didn't know what it was called.  ~A.A. Milne

A Life in Ruins...

   Happy New Year!!!  I'm sure many of us are starting the year with tons of things to better our selves and our lives with. "I'm going on a diet, I'm gonna find the perfect person to be with, or I will find myself" These are all such wonderful things to get accomplished at the start of the new year. But, why do we wait for January 1st to start all these brilliant things. Why not when we feel we need to? Why do we wait? Seems like a waste of time and energy. I say if you figure out that things need to change, then do it when you're ready. Don't wait till January 1st to get it all together or start new beginnings. 
  When I look at my current life, its a huge heap of mess. But, it's okay. It's my mess and I'm getting it fixed and some things I'm letting stay a mess; because its MY MESS and I'll get it together the way I think is best. I spent a bunch of the past few years trying to be something I thought I wanted to be or needed to be. I figured out that I did not like that person one bit and why I was trying so hard to be that person--someone I didn't even want to be or could be. People get so wrapped up about having the life they think other people will approve for themselves, but sometimes what people want for you may not be what you want or what's best for you. I know I spent a lot of my efforts trying to fight what others wanted and even trying to be those things people wanted. I realized something during my Christmas vacation--why the heck am I  sooo consumed about what others want for me??!! What happened to what I wanted or what makes me happy. As I move on, not just for 2011, but for the rest of my life I'm going to do what I want or what makes me happy. To start with, I'm going to be me. Sure, you're thinking, what the heck have you been doing this whole time; but I wasn't doing that. I stopped being me, before I even figured who I was. I'm realizing who I am and I kinda like myself. I have a weired sense of humor and a huge heart for people, plants, and animals. I'm a huge romantic and cannot wait for my own love story to happen, and when it does I want it to sparkle with magic and romance (we can all dream can't we??!!) I'm very random and scatterbrained. I kinda maybe don't know what I want to do with the rest of my life, but who really does?? I love my friends and family. I love having a good time and I HATE HATE HATE the cold. I could go on, but then I take the fun away from knowing me.
    So yeah my life may seem like it's in ruins, but it's okay. Because, if our lives were supposed to be figured out all at once, then why the heck would we even have a life to live. Life is about all the journeys that come hurtling your way. It's about how you embrace those moments and what you make of them. So, yeah I'm going to be all cliche and say "Eat, Pray, & Love." Our lives revolve around all these things and it's what we choose to eat, how/when we pray, and what/who we love that make up the life we have. So I say, this year realize what you need to do to make your life yours, but remember to smile and laugh a lot and maybe even love. And, oh yeah eat some delicious food along the way. Peace & Love Always.....

I'm Not Perfect....and it's okay..

  I haven't blogged in forever!! Why??!!! My readers I apologize for keeping you hanging and keeping you without word for about a month or two....since I know you guys just sit and wait for me to post. LOL I hope you got the sarcasm there. Life has become life and its been busy. School has kept me on my toes and I'm very grateful for that. Moving all my belongings back home has also kept me on the busy side. Let's not forget to mention that I'm also trying to have a life outside of my room and my house. I've been on one heck of journey and it's no where near to the end of it either.
  Let's see, I've struggled with the pain that someone who was my best friend for the past 6 years now wants nothing to do with me. That has probably, no it has  been the hugest milestone this past few months and will continue until my fiancée would like to continue that friendship. I know, why in the world would anyone want to be friends with a person who has made me so bloody miserable, well thats easy your heart loves who it loves. It's that simple folks. I will always love this person and I would gladly take a friendship over nothing any day. We were friends first and I cannot forgot that or erase that history ever, even if I wish away some days--only becasue I get tired of the hurting. I've also over-analyzed my relationship and where I went wrong or him. I've come to this conclusion, we both did wrong. We were in no way perfect. I realize that now. It just saddens me now that so many of the mistakes that I think led up to the undoing of us, could have probably been prevented. We just didn't make the smart choice in confronting those problems and now look what happened. But, hey it's supposed to happen this way for some reason.
    Despite my better judgement and probably to my parents dismay, I want to continue the relationships between me and my fiancée's family members. Why? Because they were family to me and they never did anything wrong. It's true, I took a little time to kind of get myself back to a normal before I started seeing or talking to them again. I think I needed some time to think everything through and I needed to have a some what clear head, if I was going to continue those relationships. I've learned a lot about my fiancée through this one past visit with an uncle of his. It's so weird, I thought I knew my fiancée but I didn't. A major reason he couldn't go through with this marriage was because he felt I dominated all the decision makings. Looking back, it's true, I did. But, (this point also brought up by his uncle) my fiancée let me. He never really said no to anything, he went along. I assumed he was fine with everything, yes it annoyed me that he never really gave his  opinion on how he felt or helped make those decisions either. I should of pushed for him to make those decisions too. But, my fiancée is a people pleaser. I know he loved me and a major reason he left was because he wasn't ready for marriage and felt that the only way to stop that was, well to end it all. I think if he could've voiced that I might have understood and put everything on a standstill. Who knows??!!! Things were meant to happen this way, though.
  Having said all that, well it gets me to my main point. I'm not perfect and I'm okay with that. I've got a strong dominating personality and when put with someone who is not that.....you need to voice your opinions or I just might trample you. I don't mean to. I'm loud and random and chaotic and run into adventures that might not always be smart; but I got one life to live and I want to have fun--no matter what the outcome I will always try to have a good laugh and smile about it, guaranteed! Life is meant to be enjoyed and I'm not going to sit back and take all the risk free paths....nope!! I'm going to run head first into the most dangerous and exciting ones. I just hope if you tag along, please have your big kid undies on and hold on.
  I have no idea where my life is headed and I have no control. I'm okay with that. I want to find someone who will love me for all of me, even my imperfections, because that's probably what makes me the most. I can honestly say, even though it pains me, I can move on from my fiancée to someone else. I'm ready to date....hahaha. God help us all!! Who knows how this story will end, but I wont be surprised by the surprises...in fact I welcome them. Here is to all the imperfections in the world...because that's what adds that extra sparkle and beauty. Peace & Love <3

Blessed again...

So, I should be getting ready for another day of learning and productiveness; but I can't. I locked my purse, keys, phone, and book in my room today. Facebook has gotten boring, I'd thought I write a little blog to pass the time. I'm not used to having this idle time, especially when I know I could be doing other things. Yes, I'm a little bothered by the fact that I do not have control over this little predicament. But, recently I'm looking at all the things that happen to me, as a part of a destiny I have no control over. For some reason, I was supposed to lock my keys in my room. For some reason, my fiancée is supposed to break it off with me and for some reason my best friend had to pass away. I spoke with my friends mom today, it was a good visit. I found her having a rough week so far and was instantly reminded that even though my heart is broken into a million pieces, I can't even imagine the pain she must be feeling. Yes, I loved my friend very much and I hurt really bad because he is gone; but I'm pretty sure it is nothing compared to losing a child. I thanked my friend very much for making me remember to come visit her. I guess you're wondering how I managed to visit her during the day. Well, today I had some training to attend. We learned how to handle situations in the classroom that may require myself to restraint a violent child. They let us have 1 and half hour lunch. I used my first 30 minutes to go by and visit my friends mom. She is the librarian for the local high school. She's been a librarian for as long as I can remember, she was the elementary librarian when I attended elementary and was the high school librarian when I was in high school. That library is a bittersweet place for me. It was our hang out spot back in the day, seeing myself and all my friends loitering around that place was the norm. I can't help but be overcome with tons of emotions as I walk in that library. Which brings me to why this visit was predestined for me. As we talked, I broke the news to the news to her about me and my fiancée. She gave me the best advice anyone so far has given me. She looked at me and said, "I'm so sorry for you; but I'm even more sorry for your fiancée. I'm sorry for him because he hasn't realized that when it comes to marriage and love, it isn't like the stories. I hope he realizes that and is able to come back to you before its too late, because no matter if he ends up with you or with someone else, love is not like the movies. It is obvious that you've realized what you want in life and good for you that you have been given that chance to find someone who wants the same things as you. For some reason, God has a plan for you and this is part of it. You are going to be okay." This advice was just as good as if my friend had been alive to tell me himself how he felt about the situation. I looked at her and I agreed. For some reason, this is part of my life plan and I'm going to be okay, somehow. Yes, it's terribly sad that my heart is a little on the broken side, but I know and trust in the G-man to see me through this. I was born and raised Catholic and I'm not a hardcore Catholic; but I do believe in my G-man and I love Him. I know he will make things right in the end and I just have to be patient, even if it feels like its killing me. Hahaha I just couldn't help but think to myself, all the things in our lives are predestined for some reason or other and I hope my readers look at all the small/big good/bad things as blessings, because they are--even if we don't see it that way. <3

All About You

      I want to talk about the best friend I lost this past year. This friend of mine was like my other half. They knew everything about me, how I ticked and understood how I felt about everything. Sure, they may have not agreed but they understood. It was countless phone conversations, texts messages, road trips, and memories that start since elementary school and go till the day they passed from this Earth that made this friendship what it was. I felt a pain this year I had never ever felt in my life. I'm learning how to go about my life here, without that person anymore. I still talk to this person, but our conversations are little one sided, well that's how it feels to me. I know they are still there for me, for everything, but I do miss their physical presence. I miss their smell, their voice, and most of all those hugs that wrapped me up and made me feel that things were not so bad in the world after all. 
     So you can say, this past year has been a little on the rough side for me. Where does it leave me? I don't know. I know that it's a day-by-day process. Things are slowly getting better and I'm learning so much about myself. I can now look at myself and know that I can maybe just maybe take care of myself. I thought I needed to have these people in my life to help me live life and I think I'm discovering that maybe I can do life all by myself. Sure, I still have several people who are really good friends and are there for me 100% and I'm so grateful and blessed that they are here for me. I love my friends and enjoy any time I spend with them, but I enjoy my alone time now. I like being with just me and discovering things about myself and about life on my own. There are still tons of things I'm still working on: patience & courage are the two bigs one at the moment. Before all this, I used to be so brave about life and went through life without a second thought about my decisions or choices. Now, I find myself second guessing myself and over thinking decisions that I know I used to be able to just do. I used to be a huge morning person, I could go with 5 to 6 hours of sleep and be fully functional. Now, I need at least 7 hours of sleep. These are all things I tackled in therapy and am slowly gaining it back. I guess you could say, I like being in control of myself. If I could name a huge pet peeve for me, it would be: I hate not being in control of myself. I like being able to control how I feel and how those emotions are displayed to other people. I do not like when I can not control those emotions. It's something I am constantly working on, to not be so controlling about. I'm learning how to be sad and cry in front of others or even just talk about how I really feel about things. It's a huge process and by no means easy. 
       Well cyber world, I'm not sure if any of this little blog made any sense; but I do feel better. Life has so much in store for everyone, it's not always going to be good things nor is always going to be bad things. Life is what you make it, you can sit back and just be a negative Nancy about everything or you can just jump along the train of chaos life is and enjoy what comes your way. I choose the latter, even if it does hurt along the way, life always brings us something to smile about in the end. <3

My Aches & Pains..

Working in an environment where you are looked at as a baby, you start noticing just how old people are and how not fun it looks like to get old. I remember when I was a younger, I would dream of the day when I was old enough to be my own person and do what I wanted to do when I wanted too. Well, that time is here, but I don't know how I feel about aging. I'm always made aware of how one's body just seems to go out on you as you age, my fellow coworkers always talk about how 40 is the age when things just turn south......um...how exciting, something to look forward to...NOT. Good grief, I was not aware the human body suffered such pains that have no cure or are always in need of drugs throughout the day. Hurting bones/body parts and menopause seems to be the big ailment amongst my fellow peers....and I sit back and go over my own aches and pains....mine are pains that all steam from emotional problems. So, I can also reflect about how later on I'm totally going to add more pain, it's just going to be physical....JOY!!!
     I would like to discuss my most recent pain, because it's not only the newest; but one I feel that is a little a on the unfair side. Okay, let's be honest here....it's totally unfair!! 100% unfair, if you ask me. I'm going to take the time now to let my un-rational and un-adult side take over and vent. Okay, how does someone date an individual for 6 years and then up and decide that perhaps just maybe, oh I don't know...I might not love you like that anymore. That maybe, all those feeling I thought were LOVE, were like caring feelings. First, of all how can you go along acting like you feel that way for that long without meaning it. I say...B.S.!!! Second, how can you let someone go about planning a wedding and a future for almost 3 years without bringing this little issue up. I just don't understand it and I don't think it's fair. Now, I shall let my more rational and adult side take over. I still love this former fiancée, a lot. I'm pretty sure if they called me, right this second and said "I'm sorry, will you have me?" I'd say"Yes!!!!" Life would be exponentially tons better......so yeah the phone didn't ring. LOL Now, the dust is still settling for everyone involved in this whole fiasco and I definitely am kinda still shell shocked. I'd known about how he felt for maybe three weeks now, the week before my birthday, he broke it to me that he was confused about his feelings for me and wasn't sure about things, such as us or the wedding. I of course was like....hmmm....JERK! But, perhaps cold feet? Things will be okay, besides...he loves me and my birthday is coming up and well HE LOVES ME??!!! W-R-O-N-G!!! Worst birthday of my life....just for the record...I also faced my first birthday without my best friend. So, I not only was on the verge of losing everything that I held dear to my little heart, but I was facing a new life moment without someone who'd always been there. So, he heads back to home and things are kinda left up in the air. I'm hoping things are going to get better, they always get better, besides this is me and him...it's all we've known and it's been really good so far...yeah I know we've had problems...but so has everyone right?! Well, as the week continues he decides that it's over.....I'm just like whatever, you can not just end something like "us" over the phone and just like that...so easily. Well, I decide to venture up to where he is residing (due to my job, I moved back home and he stayed at our former apartment, since he is still in school) and it had been a planned trip before all of this anyway. I'm also bringing his grandmother along, for companionship. I of course am headed into this trip, because I believe I shall conquer this little rift and things will go back to normal. Well, was I dead wrong..... After a night, which included tons of tears, words that I didn't mean, and various emotional outbreaks...I lost. We were OVER. This started the chain of events...that I like to title "Pearl Harbor." I slowly leaked it out to all my important friends and family members. It seems like years have passed since that weekend, but this Friday it will be two weeks since we've officially announced it being over.
      So, as my colleagues compare their battle pains of various body parts...I cannot help but look at my own pains that I feel throughout the day. I know perhaps my pain is not as great or will eventually go away, but I can totally understand their pain. How it feels to have wake up with a pain that never leaves your side and it kinda just dampens your day. It's like you have your own personal Debbie Downer, should you ever be in need of one...please rethink that. To me, being over, is still so new to me. I just don't understand how or why. I know life is so much bigger than what I'm facing right now at this very second...but goodness it does suck for right now. I still want to be friends with this individual...he was my best friend too. He knew so much of who I was and all my little secrets about everything. I just can't stop being a part of their life because they don't want to marry me. I would love it, if he wanted me back. But, I will settle for our friendship we had. Losing two best friends in one year is just something I don't want to do. All I know is that I love someone very much and they don't feel the same for me and that just royally sucks BALLS!!! I'd like to end with this "Happiness is where we find it, but rarely where we seek it."J. Petit Senn <3