Looking out the window...

     Well, as I get ready to face what will be the year marking of my friend's death, so many emotions are running through me. I've been patiently (even though it doesn't seem that way) working though those emotions and feelings. I keep finding the blessings in my life and giving my thanks. I've been letting myself become consumed by grief and sadness for small parts of my day, because holding it in doesn't do any good. I've learned though my own experiences and the help of my therapist, that you have to let your self feel all those emotions to get through them and let them go. The healing process for anything painful that enters your life is a very long and tedious process. It's something that needs constant work, but I feel you can look at it positively, if you choose to. Sure, I could sit here and complain about how unfair all the major life changes in my life this past year have been, but what good does that do for me? How can I become a better person or even grow up to my full potential, if I just sit here and decided to be a Grumpy McGee? I think about how my friend would be proud of how I've decided to put a happy note all the grief that has entered my life. I know I could sit here and be some sad little human being, but when I look out my window I see all the life I'd be missing and I know my friend would not want that life for me. He would want me out there, with the rest of world having my own adventures and tackling all of life's fortunes and misfortunes head on, with laughter and smiles. Maybe  it doesn't make sense for everyone, but it makes sense for me. As the 25th approaches, I will face it head on with a huge smile, even if I cry, I will smile. I will end this month in smiles, I promised myself and my friend, that January would not be a month I looked at in dread, but a month of honoring for him. Something, I know he would love, a whole month dedicated to him and all that was him--laughter and love. 

   I've decided to start other blogs as well. I've been looking back at some of my earlier attempts at blogging and my poem writing. People have told me, I should write, as a profession, but I don't think my writing is meant for publishing. My writing is meant for me, as a hobby, like my reading. I write because it makes me happy, whether it's talking about my daily life or expressing my self through poems or stories. I never realized how much I write, to just write. I've been looking back at several journals I have and my myspace account ( hahaha I know!!) ; I didn't realize how much I'd already blogged. Sure, my poems are dumb, but they make me laugh. I feel I need to share that with someone, give them something to laugh about. I also need to share my thoughts on what I've been reading lately. I used to discuss in depth with John, everything I read. I miss that and why should that stop. I guess as the year approaches, I'm realizing that I've gotta get back into life and stop trying to not to live it. I never realized how much I'd already stopped because I was trying so hard to be perfect for everyone else. I stopped being who I was and I miss that person very much, just as much as I miss John. John loved me for who I was and I know if he existed, there is someone else out there too. I think my parents and my friends love me for who I am; and I've got to stop stressing about what they'll think because of how I act or what I want to do. I know they already love me for who I am and want the best for me. The best for me, is finding me again and being happy. 

    So as I struggle to face the upcoming days, I know this: even though there are going to be days that end with me in tears, there are going to be to other days that end with smiles and tears. I will live for those days and call me a fool, but I will find something to smile about at the end of each day. The past few weeks have been really hellish and I don't think I would've handled it as well, if I didn't do that. Here is to me, being a naive and optimistic fool!! Peace and love always.....