I want to talk about the best friend I lost this past year. This friend of mine was like my other half. They knew everything about me, how I ticked and understood how I felt about everything. Sure, they may have not agreed but they understood. It was countless phone conversations, texts messages, road trips, and memories that start since elementary school and go till the day they passed from this Earth that made this friendship what it was. I felt a pain this year I had never ever felt in my life. I'm learning how to go about my life here, without that person anymore. I still talk to this person, but our conversations are little one sided, well that's how it feels to me. I know they are still there for me, for everything, but I do miss their physical presence. I miss their smell, their voice, and most of all those hugs that wrapped me up and made me feel that things were not so bad in the world after all.
So you can say, this past year has been a little on the rough side for me. Where does it leave me? I don't know. I know that it's a day-by-day process. Things are slowly getting better and I'm learning so much about myself. I can now look at myself and know that I can maybe just maybe take care of myself. I thought I needed to have these people in my life to help me live life and I think I'm discovering that maybe I can do life all by myself. Sure, I still have several people who are really good friends and are there for me 100% and I'm so grateful and blessed that they are here for me. I love my friends and enjoy any time I spend with them, but I enjoy my alone time now. I like being with just me and discovering things about myself and about life on my own. There are still tons of things I'm still working on: patience & courage are the two bigs one at the moment. Before all this, I used to be so brave about life and went through life without a second thought about my decisions or choices. Now, I find myself second guessing myself and over thinking decisions that I know I used to be able to just do. I used to be a huge morning person, I could go with 5 to 6 hours of sleep and be fully functional. Now, I need at least 7 hours of sleep. These are all things I tackled in therapy and am slowly gaining it back. I guess you could say, I like being in control of myself. If I could name a huge pet peeve for me, it would be: I hate not being in control of myself. I like being able to control how I feel and how those emotions are displayed to other people. I do not like when I can not control those emotions. It's something I am constantly working on, to not be so controlling about. I'm learning how to be sad and cry in front of others or even just talk about how I really feel about things. It's a huge process and by no means easy.
Well cyber world, I'm not sure if any of this little blog made any sense; but I do feel better. Life has so much in store for everyone, it's not always going to be good things nor is always going to be bad things. Life is what you make it, you can sit back and just be a negative Nancy about everything or you can just jump along the train of chaos life is and enjoy what comes your way. I choose the latter, even if it does hurt along the way, life always brings us something to smile about in the end. <3
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