My Aches & Pains..

Working in an environment where you are looked at as a baby, you start noticing just how old people are and how not fun it looks like to get old. I remember when I was a younger, I would dream of the day when I was old enough to be my own person and do what I wanted to do when I wanted too. Well, that time is here, but I don't know how I feel about aging. I'm always made aware of how one's body just seems to go out on you as you age, my fellow coworkers always talk about how 40 is the age when things just turn south......um...how exciting, something to look forward to...NOT. Good grief, I was not aware the human body suffered such pains that have no cure or are always in need of drugs throughout the day. Hurting bones/body parts and menopause seems to be the big ailment amongst my fellow peers....and I sit back and go over my own aches and pains....mine are pains that all steam from emotional problems. So, I can also reflect about how later on I'm totally going to add more pain, it's just going to be physical....JOY!!!
     I would like to discuss my most recent pain, because it's not only the newest; but one I feel that is a little a on the unfair side. Okay, let's be honest here....it's totally unfair!! 100% unfair, if you ask me. I'm going to take the time now to let my un-rational and un-adult side take over and vent. Okay, how does someone date an individual for 6 years and then up and decide that perhaps just maybe, oh I don't know...I might not love you like that anymore. That maybe, all those feeling I thought were LOVE, were like caring feelings. First, of all how can you go along acting like you feel that way for that long without meaning it. I say...B.S.!!! Second, how can you let someone go about planning a wedding and a future for almost 3 years without bringing this little issue up. I just don't understand it and I don't think it's fair. Now, I shall let my more rational and adult side take over. I still love this former fiancée, a lot. I'm pretty sure if they called me, right this second and said "I'm sorry, will you have me?" I'd say"Yes!!!!" Life would be exponentially tons better......so yeah the phone didn't ring. LOL Now, the dust is still settling for everyone involved in this whole fiasco and I definitely am kinda still shell shocked. I'd known about how he felt for maybe three weeks now, the week before my birthday, he broke it to me that he was confused about his feelings for me and wasn't sure about things, such as us or the wedding. I of course was like....hmmm....JERK! But, perhaps cold feet? Things will be okay, besides...he loves me and my birthday is coming up and well HE LOVES ME??!!! W-R-O-N-G!!! Worst birthday of my life....just for the record...I also faced my first birthday without my best friend. So, I not only was on the verge of losing everything that I held dear to my little heart, but I was facing a new life moment without someone who'd always been there. So, he heads back to home and things are kinda left up in the air. I'm hoping things are going to get better, they always get better, besides this is me and him...it's all we've known and it's been really good so far...yeah I know we've had problems...but so has everyone right?! Well, as the week continues he decides that it's over.....I'm just like whatever, you can not just end something like "us" over the phone and just like that...so easily. Well, I decide to venture up to where he is residing (due to my job, I moved back home and he stayed at our former apartment, since he is still in school) and it had been a planned trip before all of this anyway. I'm also bringing his grandmother along, for companionship. I of course am headed into this trip, because I believe I shall conquer this little rift and things will go back to normal. Well, was I dead wrong..... After a night, which included tons of tears, words that I didn't mean, and various emotional outbreaks...I lost. We were OVER. This started the chain of events...that I like to title "Pearl Harbor." I slowly leaked it out to all my important friends and family members. It seems like years have passed since that weekend, but this Friday it will be two weeks since we've officially announced it being over.
      So, as my colleagues compare their battle pains of various body parts...I cannot help but look at my own pains that I feel throughout the day. I know perhaps my pain is not as great or will eventually go away, but I can totally understand their pain. How it feels to have wake up with a pain that never leaves your side and it kinda just dampens your day. It's like you have your own personal Debbie Downer, should you ever be in need of one...please rethink that. To me, being over, is still so new to me. I just don't understand how or why. I know life is so much bigger than what I'm facing right now at this very second...but goodness it does suck for right now. I still want to be friends with this individual...he was my best friend too. He knew so much of who I was and all my little secrets about everything. I just can't stop being a part of their life because they don't want to marry me. I would love it, if he wanted me back. But, I will settle for our friendship we had. Losing two best friends in one year is just something I don't want to do. All I know is that I love someone very much and they don't feel the same for me and that just royally sucks BALLS!!! I'd like to end with this "Happiness is where we find it, but rarely where we seek it."J. Petit Senn <3