Well I survived this week, by the grace of the G-man. It’s little milestones like this that make me feel like I’m going to somehow make it out ok. That sure life has given me some really sour lemons, but I’m going to get my lemonade eventually. But, if I’m not worried about myself not being sad over missing my friend, I’m worried about other pointless things and I realized those worries are coming from the people I work with. I love all the help they can be for me and they’re great mentors as teachers, but they stress me out more about my own personal life then I do.
Like last week, my assigned mentor who happens to be the other Kinder teacher as well, let me know she’d heard that my ex was dating. Now, I had prepared myself that this day would eventually come (for both of us) and I knew I would want my ex to be happy and I’d be a little hurt cause it would really finalize the end of us. But, I was not prepared to hear that he was apparently dating someone in their 30’s and with kids. This information could be lies and just nothing more than small town talk, which is how I played it off when my Kinder Mentor told me. I was like, “Oh, interesting, well good for him…I guess.” She tried to be really supportive by saying he obviously is stupid for dating somebody older than you and him and with kids!! She played the whole I was better off speech and I kinda went on auto pilot. I totally starting giving myself the whole “You’re fine, it’s okay, as long as he’s happy” motivators. But, honestly I was just a little ticking time bomb to a meltdown. So fast-forward to after school, I’m under my desk crying. Pathetic!! I know. But, I was crying and more upset about who he was dating then him actually dating. I was upset because it made me feel like I was really crappy person to be with; I thought he’d date someone really nice and our age and kid-less. I mean, he dumped me, because I wasn’t what he’d wanted, and I wasn’t good enough for him to want to spend his whole life with. So he goes and dates someone with kids and way older, does that mean I’m no better than that???!! That’s how it felt, even though it’s not true or meant to be taken that way. But, it totally made me realize how damaged my self-esteem is. Some people (my family and family friends) think I’m very pretty (I think they’re biased). I don’t think I’m a huge knockout, but I think I’m okay looking. Sure at first glance, I look pretty girly but I kinda have a tomboy personality. I like playing video games, watching movies, doing outdoor things, or stupid random things. I don’t know how to act flirty or sexy and I have no idea how to really hit on a boy. Don’t let my outward appearance fool you. I’m such a poser. LOL But, back to my self-esteem…
How could I let someone like that have such a huge effect on my self-esteem?? It’s easy, because what I had wasn’t very much. Much of my self esteem was brought on by my ex. I had really bad self-esteem when I was growing up and it’s pretty much gone back to that now that I’m single. My ex was the first guy who ever really liked me back and it felt really awesome to find someone who liked me back for once, not to mention to think I was really amazing. I’d been pretty damaged by boys growing up and I kinda had this mentality that I’d never ever let myself really fall for someone. I had this image that I’d be a single mom and that I would have random hookups. I wasn’t going to be one of those stupid girls who fell in love. Never say never. I totally feel in love with two boys and I didn’t even realize it until it was too late. John I loved selflessly and still do. He taught me how to love without ever really having to think about it, I just did. I’m sure he felt the same about me. We loved each other for who we were and never thought twice about it. My ex, well he totally gave me my first relationship with a boy and it’s something I don’t think I’ll ever regret. It taught me a lot about myself and what I want for my future. But, it ending damaged what little self-esteem I did have. I just felt if I couldn’t even keep him around, am I ever going to be able to keep anyone else around. Yeah, things were said that I don’t think both us didn’t really mean when we were calling it off, or he was calling it off. Even though, he said things out of anger or confusion they still stick with me. So I worry about me ever finding someone who is really going to like me again. I try to be positive and think about how I don’t need to have someone to be happy; but it would be amazing if I could find someone who’d want to be my life buddy. Someone who’d want to watch movies, hang out, travel with, and spend our lives with and a have really great time too. I’m not like hardcore picky, but I’d like someone who’s nice, caring, funny, and open-minded—and of course they’d have to like all of me! I want a family, eventually, I think. But, back to my original point…It’s weird how we can let other people have such a huge impact on how we feel. It just throws me off. When I’m at home, I’m totally fine and kinda fully happy with myself. I watch movies, work out, listen to music, randomize myself (do random adventures around the house), talk to John/G-man, work on my writing or other art hobbies, and read. Look at all the havoc that was brought on by one person. I know my Kinder Mentor told me because it was her way of protecting me, I think she did it because she didn’t want me to hear it from someone else and it catch me off guard. She did it, so I could prepare myself for when I encountered that rumor in town. For all I know, it could be nothing but a rumor. I’m not upset that my ex is dating, I want him to be happy, I just would hope he’d find someone worth his time and that would bring out the best in him.
Then this week, my 1st Grade and Kinder Mentors pointed out that I need to get my head out of the books before my train passes me by. So now I’m stressing about the fact that I’m going to end up alone, because I’m not aggressive enough when it comes to dating boys. I don’t know how to be that girl who can walk up to a guy and be like sexy and be snagging dates left and right. I didn’t know that it was abnormal of myself not to be like those other girls. My family and most of my friends made it seem perfectly normal that I wasn’t like those girls; it wasn’t until my mentors pointed out that I was a little abnormal. It kinda had me in tears, but I didn’t end up under my desk crying this time. So what am I going to do? I’m going to have to teach myself to take what they say with a grain of salt. I realized this today as I tried running a mile (I say try because even thought I do a mile, I can’t run it fully, I walk when I get tired), that even though I may not do my mile at a full jog the whole time, I still finish my mile! So, yeah I may not know how to get myself a boyfriend or even a romance life, but I do know how to live my life—it may be a mess at times and even chaos; but it’s okay. I’m happy or I’m trying to find my own happiness, without having to have someone be my happiness. Yes, I loved John and my ex very much, but I shouldn’t have made them be the reason for all of my happiness. I should’ve found my own happiness within myself first. Peace & Love always…
“As God as my witness…”—Scarlet O’Hara (Gone with the Wind)
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