Worries 101

Well I survived this week, by the grace of the G-man. It’s little milestones like this that make me feel like I’m going to somehow make it out ok. That sure life has given me some really sour lemons, but I’m going to get my lemonade eventually. But, if I’m not worried about myself not being sad over missing my friend, I’m worried about other pointless things and I realized those worries are coming from the people I work with. I love all the help they can be for me and they’re great mentors as teachers, but they stress me out more about my own personal life then I do.

   Like last week, my assigned mentor who happens to be the other Kinder teacher as well, let me know she’d heard that my ex was dating. Now, I had prepared myself that this day would eventually come (for both of us) and I knew I would want my ex to be happy and I’d be a little hurt cause it would really finalize the end of us. But, I was not prepared to hear that he was apparently dating someone in their 30’s and with kids. This information could be lies and just nothing more than small town talk, which is how I played it off when my Kinder Mentor told me. I was like, “Oh, interesting, well good for him…I guess.” She tried to be really supportive by saying he obviously is stupid for dating somebody older than you and him and with kids!! She played the whole I was better off speech and I kinda went on auto pilot. I totally starting giving myself the whole “You’re fine, it’s okay, as long as he’s happy” motivators. But, honestly I was just a little ticking time bomb to a meltdown. So fast-forward to after school, I’m under my desk crying. Pathetic!! I know. But, I was crying and more upset about who he was dating then him actually dating. I was upset because it made me feel like I was really crappy person to be with; I thought he’d date someone really nice and our age and kid-less. I mean, he dumped me, because I wasn’t what he’d wanted, and I wasn’t good enough for him to want to spend his whole life with. So he goes and dates someone with kids and way older, does that mean I’m no better than that???!! That’s how it felt, even though it’s not true or meant to be taken that way. But, it totally made me realize how damaged my self-esteem is. Some people (my family and family friends) think I’m very pretty (I think they’re biased). I don’t think I’m a huge knockout, but I think I’m okay looking. Sure at first glance, I look pretty girly but I kinda have a tomboy personality. I like playing video games, watching movies, doing outdoor things, or stupid random things. I don’t know how to act flirty or sexy and I have no idea how to really hit on a boy. Don’t let my outward appearance fool you. I’m such a poser. LOL But, back to my self-esteem…

    How could I let someone like that have such a huge effect on my self-esteem?? It’s easy, because what I had wasn’t very much. Much of my self esteem was brought on by my ex. I had really bad self-esteem when I was growing up and it’s pretty much gone back to that now that I’m single. My ex was the first guy who ever really liked me back and it felt really awesome to find someone who liked me back for once, not to mention to think I was really amazing. I’d been pretty damaged by boys growing up and I kinda had this mentality that I’d never ever let myself really fall for someone. I had this image that I’d be a single mom and that I would have random hookups. I wasn’t going to be one of those stupid girls who fell in love. Never say never. I totally feel in love with two boys and I didn’t even realize it until it was too late. John I loved selflessly and still do. He taught me how to love without ever really having to think about it, I just did. I’m sure he felt the same about me. We loved each other for who we were and never thought twice about it. My ex, well he totally gave me my first relationship with a boy and it’s something I don’t think I’ll ever regret. It taught me a lot about myself and what I want for my future. But, it ending damaged what little self-esteem I did have. I just felt if I couldn’t even keep him around, am I ever going to be able to keep anyone else around. Yeah, things were said that I don’t think both us didn’t really mean when we were calling it off, or he was calling it off. Even though, he said things out of anger or confusion they still stick with me. So I worry about me ever finding someone who is really going to like me again. I try to be positive and think about how I don’t need to have someone to be happy; but it would be amazing if I could find someone who’d want to be my life buddy. Someone who’d want to watch movies, hang out, travel with, and spend our lives with and a have really great time too. I’m not like hardcore picky, but I’d like someone who’s nice, caring, funny, and open-minded—and of course they’d have to like all of me! I want a family, eventually, I think. But, back to my original point…It’s weird how we can let other people have such a huge impact on how we feel. It just throws me off. When I’m at home, I’m totally fine and kinda fully happy with myself. I watch movies, work out, listen to music, randomize myself (do random adventures around the house), talk to John/G-man, work on my writing or other art hobbies, and read. Look at all the havoc that was brought on by one person. I know my Kinder Mentor told me because it was her way of protecting me, I think she did it because she didn’t want me to hear it from someone else and it catch me off guard. She did it, so I could prepare myself for when I encountered that rumor in town. For all I know, it could be nothing but a rumor. I’m not upset that my ex is dating, I want him to be happy, I just would hope he’d find someone worth his time and that would bring out the best in him.

   Then this week, my 1^st Grade and Kinder Mentors pointed out that I need to get my head out of the books before my train passes me by. So now I’m stressing about the fact that I’m going to end up alone, because I’m not aggressive enough when it comes to dating boys. I don’t know how to be that girl who can walk up to a guy and be like sexy and be snagging dates left and right. I didn’t know that it was abnormal of myself not to be like those other girls. My family and most of my friends made it seem perfectly normal that I wasn’t like those girls; it wasn’t until my mentors pointed out that I was a little abnormal. It kinda had me in tears, but I didn’t end up under my desk crying this time. So what am I going to do? I’m going to have to teach myself to take what they say with a grain of salt. I realized this today as I tried running a mile (I say try because even thought I do a mile, I can’t run it fully, I walk when I get tired), that even though I may not do my mile at a full jog the whole time, I still finish my mile! So, yeah I may not know how to get myself a boyfriend or even a romance life, but I do know how to live my life—it may be a mess at times and even chaos; but it’s okay. I’m happy or I’m trying to find my own happiness, without having to have someone be my happiness. Yes, I loved John and my ex very much, but I shouldn’t have made them be the reason for all of my happiness. I should’ve found my own happiness within myself first. Peace & Love always…

“As God as my witness…”—Scarlet O’Hara (Gone with the Wind)

Looking out the window...

     Well, as I get ready to face what will be the year marking of my friend's death, so many emotions are running through me. I've been patiently (even though it doesn't seem that way) working though those emotions and feelings. I keep finding the blessings in my life and giving my thanks. I've been letting myself become consumed by grief and sadness for small parts of my day, because holding it in doesn't do any good. I've learned though my own experiences and the help of my therapist, that you have to let your self feel all those emotions to get through them and let them go. The healing process for anything painful that enters your life is a very long and tedious process. It's something that needs constant work, but I feel you can look at it positively, if you choose to. Sure, I could sit here and complain about how unfair all the major life changes in my life this past year have been, but what good does that do for me? How can I become a better person or even grow up to my full potential, if I just sit here and decided to be a Grumpy McGee? I think about how my friend would be proud of how I've decided to put a happy note all the grief that has entered my life. I know I could sit here and be some sad little human being, but when I look out my window I see all the life I'd be missing and I know my friend would not want that life for me. He would want me out there, with the rest of world having my own adventures and tackling all of life's fortunes and misfortunes head on, with laughter and smiles. Maybe  it doesn't make sense for everyone, but it makes sense for me. As the 25th approaches, I will face it head on with a huge smile, even if I cry, I will smile. I will end this month in smiles, I promised myself and my friend, that January would not be a month I looked at in dread, but a month of honoring for him. Something, I know he would love, a whole month dedicated to him and all that was him--laughter and love. 

   I've decided to start other blogs as well. I've been looking back at some of my earlier attempts at blogging and my poem writing. People have told me, I should write, as a profession, but I don't think my writing is meant for publishing. My writing is meant for me, as a hobby, like my reading. I write because it makes me happy, whether it's talking about my daily life or expressing my self through poems or stories. I never realized how much I write, to just write. I've been looking back at several journals I have and my myspace account ( hahaha I know!!) ; I didn't realize how much I'd already blogged. Sure, my poems are dumb, but they make me laugh. I feel I need to share that with someone, give them something to laugh about. I also need to share my thoughts on what I've been reading lately. I used to discuss in depth with John, everything I read. I miss that and why should that stop. I guess as the year approaches, I'm realizing that I've gotta get back into life and stop trying to not to live it. I never realized how much I'd already stopped because I was trying so hard to be perfect for everyone else. I stopped being who I was and I miss that person very much, just as much as I miss John. John loved me for who I was and I know if he existed, there is someone else out there too. I think my parents and my friends love me for who I am; and I've got to stop stressing about what they'll think because of how I act or what I want to do. I know they already love me for who I am and want the best for me. The best for me, is finding me again and being happy. 

    So as I struggle to face the upcoming days, I know this: even though there are going to be days that end with me in tears, there are going to be to other days that end with smiles and tears. I will live for those days and call me a fool, but I will find something to smile about at the end of each day. The past few weeks have been really hellish and I don't think I would've handled it as well, if I didn't do that. Here is to me, being a naive and optimistic fool!! Peace and love always.....

In a nutshell...a really big one

   I kinda looked back at my previous blogs, made me realize how much a person can change in such a little time. Maybe it's human nature? But, as I look back at those early blogs, I'm happy to say that I'm changing for the better--so I think. I was a heap of a mess a few months ago and I'm still somewhat of a mess, but I'm kinda of a put-together mess? LOL That's how I see myself. But, I look at the world around me and I feel it's in the same boat. Doesn't make me feel so unnormal.  I would like to tackle, perhaps some issues people have been wondering about myself.  People keep asking "So tell me, what's going on in your life?" Put's me off guard and my mind scrambles for all these possibles answers. Do you want to know how I'm dealing with the ex, john, my first grown-up job, or my love life?  Sometimes I assume people just know what's going on in my life, but I guess I don't tell them everything, or I forget who I tell what. That happens a lot. Unfortunately, several of my really close friends all live several if not tons of hours away from me. I keep in contact via phone calls, texts, and yes even facebook. The visits are rare but cherished with so much love and gratefulness for the encounters. So, when we do find ourselves catching up, I'm always surprised to find myself talking about things that I've assumed they already know about and they don't. So, I want to update people to what has been happening in my life. I'm going to do my best and give them a recap of 2010 and the new things that have happened in 2011.
     The year of 2010, started off really rocky. I was in the midst of planning a wedding and dealing with my best friends diagnosis of lymphoma. Unfortunately my friend lost his battle and so for the first part of the year I dealt with the grief that ensued after his passing. I've mentioned how close I was to this friend. As the year approaches, I'm starting to realize how final death is here on this Earth. I understood at the time that there was no coming back for my friend, but it still doesn't take that pain away or the missing of his physical presence. As time has passed, I've learned how to deal with that grief, in no way has it lessened or gone away, and it probably wont. I think I will learn how to live with that grief and accept it as part of my life as time goes on. 
  I started job hunting in the early part of the year as well. I'm a teacher and I hope one day to spend my days in a school library amongst the friendliness of books, not to mention the smells. I ended up snagging my first job back in my home town. The town I grew up in, not to mention my best friend and my ex. So coming home, to live with my parents, seemed like a good idea. I would live at home, without the worry of rent and be back in safe place. A place, I needed to help heal some of the hurt I'd already been dealt that year with. It has it's downsides, but what place doesn't. For the most part, my small town has treated me well. It was great place to start my adult life. I teach Kindergarten and I'm the youngest person in the whole district. My hallway (1st grade teachers, and the other Kinder teacher) have been such a blessing for me. Yes, they do get on my nerves; but it's mostly that they feel their opinions or beliefs are the best for everyone. Oh, I take what they say very seriously, but I don't always think what they think is best may be the best for me. They've been amazing for me and I thank God for them everyday. I think for the most part, I've hit it well with most of the staff, students, and parents of the students--Oh, I'm sure there are some people who could care less for me. It's hard to please everyone, but I try. I am looking for a new job or well a new place of location. I love living back at home and with my parents, but I miss being on my own. I miss the city. I do know I want to find a new location that is still small town or has the small community feel, but I need the city about 30 mins aways. I also need all year warmth. I hate the cold. So who knows where the next school year will find me. I'm going to hit the books again during summer. I need to finish my masters so I can get my library certification. I know teaching is an okay career for me now, but I don't know if it should be my permanent career. I love books and baking and if I could find something that tackles both of those loves, I'm going to do that. 
  We all know the story behind the ex. I feel I don't have to really describe all this again. I've talked plenty about this issue in my previous blogs. But, yep, I also got dumped this year. I greatly miss the friendship that developed in that relationship, but I have to let that fall back into place when it's time. I cannot rush it or even make it happen again if it's not meant to happen. But, I will always miss it. I do wish the ex the best in his new life and always will. I want him to find his happiness too. May have not sounded that way in the beginning, but who could have been of sound mind during the beginning of such a break up like that. I look back at the time, and I'm sure I sounded and acted a crazy fool. Maybe that's human nature too, who can predict or make humans act in the best way during such a stressful or life changing event like that. I do know, that I do regret any hurtful things I said or did during that time. I'm a little embarrassed by my behavior. 
  Here is an issue, that sooo many people pester me with...my love life. I wish I could say "This wonderful dark haired handsome mysterious great kisser romantic has walked into my life and swept me off my feet into this wonderful epic love adventure," but I don't live in a movie. I guess many people my age are all into dating strangers, but that's not me. I had this conversation recently with one of my friends. I just can't date some stranger I just met, sure I have several friends (who are male) if they asked or seemed interested in me that way that I would enter the "dating status" with. But,I'm not like consumed with this mission to find the "one" or even to find someone to date. Sure, if he came along I'd go along. But, it's not like a priority. I know, what a let down. hahaha  My colleagues are constantly displeased with this view of mine. I think they want me to be like the young people they see on TV and cannot help but want to live a little through me in those aspects. They are also obsessed (not in a creepy way) with a male friend of mine. They find him to be the prefect piece of male flesh in this little town. Do I blame them? No, this town is not filled with tons of  good looking male specimens. No wonder, my poor friend, is the center of their obsessions. He's not a horrible person to look at either. He's handsome, despite his humble protests. I just happen to be friends with him and it always makes for embarrassing conversations with my colleagues. The women I work with, are for the most part happily married, but they love to think they can fix me up with my next love story. They do it out of kindness and overall helpfulness. We live in small town, not much happens. I guess I'm the only thing they've got that is of mild interest. They are not the only ones who aware of my new single status, the whole town has become aware of it and small towns love gossip. Small towns sometimes do not comprehend how two individuals of the opposite sex cannot have more feelings for each others than just friendship, but it does exist. My colleagues just love that they get to be front and center of my love life (or they think they are) or what they assume is a love life. I'm constantly being introduced to new single potentials and I'm constantly letting them down with the outcomes. But,, I've said it before, I'm not going to enter a "dating relationship" with a complete stranger. I know, I'm a let down when it comes to a love story. But, rest assured when I get one going, I will blog about it. 
   What the future hold me for me is a complete surprise. I'm kinda excited about that, even though I get impatient. I hope it holds a few great travel adventures and a really awesome love story. I hope I find a career that makes me happy and financially stable, if rich is part of that equation...AMAZING LUCK!! I don't want the norm, I want my own norm and happiness. So come what may, I plan to be happy. I hope my readers do the same...find your happiness, no matter how off it is with the rest of the world's norms. Peace & love always....

She's a vogue kinda girl...

   It's true, I love reading the usual celeb gossiped filled mags or the typical hyped female mags you see on the newsstands; but what I really take the time to read and even subscribe to are magazines like Vogue or Harper's Bazaar. I love to look at the fashion and read about the fashion; not to mention they do feature a few good articles. These are not your typical run of the mill magazines, you'll hardly find the steamy articles about how to give your lover the top 10 most mind blowing whatever or silly mishaps people encounter with the opposite sex. Nope, these magazines will center around the fashion world and have (in my opinion) some really good pieces about life outside the mundane. If you haven't ever picked up one of these magazines, I say give it a try. You might find yourself surprised.
  Lately, I've been harping on this idea that sometimes people seem to try a fit into a mold that might not be them. Well, as I'm reading an article in Vogue, they had an excerpt from this book that tackled this issue. I found myself relating to this woman, despite our differences. The major one being she was a mother and she was tackling the huge issue of being the perfect mom and living up to the standards of her society's norms. I couldn't help, but think, honey we're all in the same boat. Some of us are just having to live to other norms, depending on their age or the society they live around. So as this piece addressed how dangerous it could be to try and mold ourselves into something that we may not be or could never be; I was thinking why the heck are people so obsessed with being something we're not. Easy, because we see it as something beautiful and our human nature is attracted to beauty or having things that seem desirable. It makes sense, of course people want what seems greener on the other side. But, at the price of losing who we are? Of course people would love to have the ideal, 9-5 job with the white picket fence and cozy home filled with the idealistic mom/dad combo with kids, not to mention Fido, carpool, PTA, play-dates & family game nights--because thats what everyone tries to have. But, who the heck filled that idea into our heads that this is the ultimate ideal??!! I know there are tons of people out there who may not want any of those things much less half of them. So, why do we force feed everyone to want to have those goals? 
  I don't have the answer and maybe never will. But, I do think we need to stop and think about what we really want for ourselves in this life. Remember, we only get one and why are going to live a life you maybe don't really want. Life is short, but we need slow down and take the time to figure out what we really want. I know I was headed into a sealed deal life not too long ago and I didn't even realize it at the time I wasn't ready. I thought I was ready, 100%, but that was because I'd made myself think I was; just because society made me feel that was what I wanted. I've lost a really good friend along the way too, all because I was obsessed with what society deemed as the perfect life goals. So, remember, as you go through this life and you come to major life choices--who's life are you leading, societies or yours? Who's choices are you choosing, yours or societies? 
  I can say at this moment, I'm living my life through what I want. For instance, this month I've decided to dedicate this month to my best friend who passed away almost a year ago. I decided that I wasn't going to look at his birthday or the mark of his yearly passing as something sad, despite how I may feel (not that I'm not going to let my self feel sad for missing him, because that is something I need to feel, to heal over his passing). I am going to honor this whole month in his honor, by doing his favorite things, from movies, food, and even adventures. Some people may find that weird and kinda on the morbid side, but it's my life and it makes me happy. Sure, that may not be the answer for everyone one who faces a situation similar to mine, but it works for me. I'm also secretly looking to relocate myself to a bigger city and contemplating running a small business (pastry/cafe/bookstore?).  I love the small town life, but my current small town life is way to far from the big city and I need some big city adventures. Some people who look at my current life situation may think, you should probably be on the search for the perfect husband and trying to settle down into having a family. But, I still want to do so much before all of that and I need to decide what kind of family life I'd like to have. Do I want my family to consist of the normal mom/dad/children combo or do I want to adopt and be a single mom? If I can't answer those questions with a definite answer, I'm not ready for that life. I'm barely starting my life and I have a lot of time to settle down and start a family in good time. Find your happiness no matter how much different it may be than others definition happiness. Peace & <3 always...
"People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness.  Just because they're not on your road doesn't mean they've gotten lost.  ~H. Jackson Brown"


"Well," said Pooh, "what I like best," and then he had to stop and think.  Because although eating honey was a very good thing to do, there was a moment just before you began to eat it which was better than when you were, but he didn't know what it was called.  ~A.A. Milne

A Life in Ruins...

   Happy New Year!!!  I'm sure many of us are starting the year with tons of things to better our selves and our lives with. "I'm going on a diet, I'm gonna find the perfect person to be with, or I will find myself" These are all such wonderful things to get accomplished at the start of the new year. But, why do we wait for January 1st to start all these brilliant things. Why not when we feel we need to? Why do we wait? Seems like a waste of time and energy. I say if you figure out that things need to change, then do it when you're ready. Don't wait till January 1st to get it all together or start new beginnings. 
  When I look at my current life, its a huge heap of mess. But, it's okay. It's my mess and I'm getting it fixed and some things I'm letting stay a mess; because its MY MESS and I'll get it together the way I think is best. I spent a bunch of the past few years trying to be something I thought I wanted to be or needed to be. I figured out that I did not like that person one bit and why I was trying so hard to be that person--someone I didn't even want to be or could be. People get so wrapped up about having the life they think other people will approve for themselves, but sometimes what people want for you may not be what you want or what's best for you. I know I spent a lot of my efforts trying to fight what others wanted and even trying to be those things people wanted. I realized something during my Christmas vacation--why the heck am I  sooo consumed about what others want for me??!! What happened to what I wanted or what makes me happy. As I move on, not just for 2011, but for the rest of my life I'm going to do what I want or what makes me happy. To start with, I'm going to be me. Sure, you're thinking, what the heck have you been doing this whole time; but I wasn't doing that. I stopped being me, before I even figured who I was. I'm realizing who I am and I kinda like myself. I have a weired sense of humor and a huge heart for people, plants, and animals. I'm a huge romantic and cannot wait for my own love story to happen, and when it does I want it to sparkle with magic and romance (we can all dream can't we??!!) I'm very random and scatterbrained. I kinda maybe don't know what I want to do with the rest of my life, but who really does?? I love my friends and family. I love having a good time and I HATE HATE HATE the cold. I could go on, but then I take the fun away from knowing me.
    So yeah my life may seem like it's in ruins, but it's okay. Because, if our lives were supposed to be figured out all at once, then why the heck would we even have a life to live. Life is about all the journeys that come hurtling your way. It's about how you embrace those moments and what you make of them. So, yeah I'm going to be all cliche and say "Eat, Pray, & Love." Our lives revolve around all these things and it's what we choose to eat, how/when we pray, and what/who we love that make up the life we have. So I say, this year realize what you need to do to make your life yours, but remember to smile and laugh a lot and maybe even love. And, oh yeah eat some delicious food along the way. Peace & Love Always.....