I'm Not Perfect....and it's okay..

  I haven't blogged in forever!! Why??!!! My readers I apologize for keeping you hanging and keeping you without word for about a month or two....since I know you guys just sit and wait for me to post. LOL I hope you got the sarcasm there. Life has become life and its been busy. School has kept me on my toes and I'm very grateful for that. Moving all my belongings back home has also kept me on the busy side. Let's not forget to mention that I'm also trying to have a life outside of my room and my house. I've been on one heck of journey and it's no where near to the end of it either.
  Let's see, I've struggled with the pain that someone who was my best friend for the past 6 years now wants nothing to do with me. That has probably, no it has  been the hugest milestone this past few months and will continue until my fiancée would like to continue that friendship. I know, why in the world would anyone want to be friends with a person who has made me so bloody miserable, well thats easy your heart loves who it loves. It's that simple folks. I will always love this person and I would gladly take a friendship over nothing any day. We were friends first and I cannot forgot that or erase that history ever, even if I wish away some days--only becasue I get tired of the hurting. I've also over-analyzed my relationship and where I went wrong or him. I've come to this conclusion, we both did wrong. We were in no way perfect. I realize that now. It just saddens me now that so many of the mistakes that I think led up to the undoing of us, could have probably been prevented. We just didn't make the smart choice in confronting those problems and now look what happened. But, hey it's supposed to happen this way for some reason.
    Despite my better judgement and probably to my parents dismay, I want to continue the relationships between me and my fiancée's family members. Why? Because they were family to me and they never did anything wrong. It's true, I took a little time to kind of get myself back to a normal before I started seeing or talking to them again. I think I needed some time to think everything through and I needed to have a some what clear head, if I was going to continue those relationships. I've learned a lot about my fiancée through this one past visit with an uncle of his. It's so weird, I thought I knew my fiancée but I didn't. A major reason he couldn't go through with this marriage was because he felt I dominated all the decision makings. Looking back, it's true, I did. But, (this point also brought up by his uncle) my fiancée let me. He never really said no to anything, he went along. I assumed he was fine with everything, yes it annoyed me that he never really gave his  opinion on how he felt or helped make those decisions either. I should of pushed for him to make those decisions too. But, my fiancée is a people pleaser. I know he loved me and a major reason he left was because he wasn't ready for marriage and felt that the only way to stop that was, well to end it all. I think if he could've voiced that I might have understood and put everything on a standstill. Who knows??!!! Things were meant to happen this way, though.
  Having said all that, well it gets me to my main point. I'm not perfect and I'm okay with that. I've got a strong dominating personality and when put with someone who is not that.....you need to voice your opinions or I just might trample you. I don't mean to. I'm loud and random and chaotic and run into adventures that might not always be smart; but I got one life to live and I want to have fun--no matter what the outcome I will always try to have a good laugh and smile about it, guaranteed! Life is meant to be enjoyed and I'm not going to sit back and take all the risk free paths....nope!! I'm going to run head first into the most dangerous and exciting ones. I just hope if you tag along, please have your big kid undies on and hold on.
  I have no idea where my life is headed and I have no control. I'm okay with that. I want to find someone who will love me for all of me, even my imperfections, because that's probably what makes me the most. I can honestly say, even though it pains me, I can move on from my fiancée to someone else. I'm ready to date....hahaha. God help us all!! Who knows how this story will end, but I wont be surprised by the surprises...in fact I welcome them. Here is to all the imperfections in the world...because that's what adds that extra sparkle and beauty. Peace & Love <3

Blessed again...

So, I should be getting ready for another day of learning and productiveness; but I can't. I locked my purse, keys, phone, and book in my room today. Facebook has gotten boring, I'd thought I write a little blog to pass the time. I'm not used to having this idle time, especially when I know I could be doing other things. Yes, I'm a little bothered by the fact that I do not have control over this little predicament. But, recently I'm looking at all the things that happen to me, as a part of a destiny I have no control over. For some reason, I was supposed to lock my keys in my room. For some reason, my fiancée is supposed to break it off with me and for some reason my best friend had to pass away. I spoke with my friends mom today, it was a good visit. I found her having a rough week so far and was instantly reminded that even though my heart is broken into a million pieces, I can't even imagine the pain she must be feeling. Yes, I loved my friend very much and I hurt really bad because he is gone; but I'm pretty sure it is nothing compared to losing a child. I thanked my friend very much for making me remember to come visit her. I guess you're wondering how I managed to visit her during the day. Well, today I had some training to attend. We learned how to handle situations in the classroom that may require myself to restraint a violent child. They let us have 1 and half hour lunch. I used my first 30 minutes to go by and visit my friends mom. She is the librarian for the local high school. She's been a librarian for as long as I can remember, she was the elementary librarian when I attended elementary and was the high school librarian when I was in high school. That library is a bittersweet place for me. It was our hang out spot back in the day, seeing myself and all my friends loitering around that place was the norm. I can't help but be overcome with tons of emotions as I walk in that library. Which brings me to why this visit was predestined for me. As we talked, I broke the news to the news to her about me and my fiancée. She gave me the best advice anyone so far has given me. She looked at me and said, "I'm so sorry for you; but I'm even more sorry for your fiancée. I'm sorry for him because he hasn't realized that when it comes to marriage and love, it isn't like the stories. I hope he realizes that and is able to come back to you before its too late, because no matter if he ends up with you or with someone else, love is not like the movies. It is obvious that you've realized what you want in life and good for you that you have been given that chance to find someone who wants the same things as you. For some reason, God has a plan for you and this is part of it. You are going to be okay." This advice was just as good as if my friend had been alive to tell me himself how he felt about the situation. I looked at her and I agreed. For some reason, this is part of my life plan and I'm going to be okay, somehow. Yes, it's terribly sad that my heart is a little on the broken side, but I know and trust in the G-man to see me through this. I was born and raised Catholic and I'm not a hardcore Catholic; but I do believe in my G-man and I love Him. I know he will make things right in the end and I just have to be patient, even if it feels like its killing me. Hahaha I just couldn't help but think to myself, all the things in our lives are predestined for some reason or other and I hope my readers look at all the small/big good/bad things as blessings, because they are--even if we don't see it that way. <3

All About You

      I want to talk about the best friend I lost this past year. This friend of mine was like my other half. They knew everything about me, how I ticked and understood how I felt about everything. Sure, they may have not agreed but they understood. It was countless phone conversations, texts messages, road trips, and memories that start since elementary school and go till the day they passed from this Earth that made this friendship what it was. I felt a pain this year I had never ever felt in my life. I'm learning how to go about my life here, without that person anymore. I still talk to this person, but our conversations are little one sided, well that's how it feels to me. I know they are still there for me, for everything, but I do miss their physical presence. I miss their smell, their voice, and most of all those hugs that wrapped me up and made me feel that things were not so bad in the world after all. 
     So you can say, this past year has been a little on the rough side for me. Where does it leave me? I don't know. I know that it's a day-by-day process. Things are slowly getting better and I'm learning so much about myself. I can now look at myself and know that I can maybe just maybe take care of myself. I thought I needed to have these people in my life to help me live life and I think I'm discovering that maybe I can do life all by myself. Sure, I still have several people who are really good friends and are there for me 100% and I'm so grateful and blessed that they are here for me. I love my friends and enjoy any time I spend with them, but I enjoy my alone time now. I like being with just me and discovering things about myself and about life on my own. There are still tons of things I'm still working on: patience & courage are the two bigs one at the moment. Before all this, I used to be so brave about life and went through life without a second thought about my decisions or choices. Now, I find myself second guessing myself and over thinking decisions that I know I used to be able to just do. I used to be a huge morning person, I could go with 5 to 6 hours of sleep and be fully functional. Now, I need at least 7 hours of sleep. These are all things I tackled in therapy and am slowly gaining it back. I guess you could say, I like being in control of myself. If I could name a huge pet peeve for me, it would be: I hate not being in control of myself. I like being able to control how I feel and how those emotions are displayed to other people. I do not like when I can not control those emotions. It's something I am constantly working on, to not be so controlling about. I'm learning how to be sad and cry in front of others or even just talk about how I really feel about things. It's a huge process and by no means easy. 
       Well cyber world, I'm not sure if any of this little blog made any sense; but I do feel better. Life has so much in store for everyone, it's not always going to be good things nor is always going to be bad things. Life is what you make it, you can sit back and just be a negative Nancy about everything or you can just jump along the train of chaos life is and enjoy what comes your way. I choose the latter, even if it does hurt along the way, life always brings us something to smile about in the end. <3

My Aches & Pains..

Working in an environment where you are looked at as a baby, you start noticing just how old people are and how not fun it looks like to get old. I remember when I was a younger, I would dream of the day when I was old enough to be my own person and do what I wanted to do when I wanted too. Well, that time is here, but I don't know how I feel about aging. I'm always made aware of how one's body just seems to go out on you as you age, my fellow coworkers always talk about how 40 is the age when things just turn south......um...how exciting, something to look forward to...NOT. Good grief, I was not aware the human body suffered such pains that have no cure or are always in need of drugs throughout the day. Hurting bones/body parts and menopause seems to be the big ailment amongst my fellow peers....and I sit back and go over my own aches and pains....mine are pains that all steam from emotional problems. So, I can also reflect about how later on I'm totally going to add more pain, it's just going to be physical....JOY!!!
     I would like to discuss my most recent pain, because it's not only the newest; but one I feel that is a little a on the unfair side. Okay, let's be honest here....it's totally unfair!! 100% unfair, if you ask me. I'm going to take the time now to let my un-rational and un-adult side take over and vent. Okay, how does someone date an individual for 6 years and then up and decide that perhaps just maybe, oh I don't know...I might not love you like that anymore. That maybe, all those feeling I thought were LOVE, were like caring feelings. First, of all how can you go along acting like you feel that way for that long without meaning it. I say...B.S.!!! Second, how can you let someone go about planning a wedding and a future for almost 3 years without bringing this little issue up. I just don't understand it and I don't think it's fair. Now, I shall let my more rational and adult side take over. I still love this former fiancée, a lot. I'm pretty sure if they called me, right this second and said "I'm sorry, will you have me?" I'd say"Yes!!!!" Life would be exponentially tons better......so yeah the phone didn't ring. LOL Now, the dust is still settling for everyone involved in this whole fiasco and I definitely am kinda still shell shocked. I'd known about how he felt for maybe three weeks now, the week before my birthday, he broke it to me that he was confused about his feelings for me and wasn't sure about things, such as us or the wedding. I of course was like....hmmm....JERK! But, perhaps cold feet? Things will be okay, besides...he loves me and my birthday is coming up and well HE LOVES ME??!!! W-R-O-N-G!!! Worst birthday of my life....just for the record...I also faced my first birthday without my best friend. So, I not only was on the verge of losing everything that I held dear to my little heart, but I was facing a new life moment without someone who'd always been there. So, he heads back to home and things are kinda left up in the air. I'm hoping things are going to get better, they always get better, besides this is me and him...it's all we've known and it's been really good so far...yeah I know we've had problems...but so has everyone right?! Well, as the week continues he decides that it's over.....I'm just like whatever, you can not just end something like "us" over the phone and just like that...so easily. Well, I decide to venture up to where he is residing (due to my job, I moved back home and he stayed at our former apartment, since he is still in school) and it had been a planned trip before all of this anyway. I'm also bringing his grandmother along, for companionship. I of course am headed into this trip, because I believe I shall conquer this little rift and things will go back to normal. Well, was I dead wrong..... After a night, which included tons of tears, words that I didn't mean, and various emotional outbreaks...I lost. We were OVER. This started the chain of events...that I like to title "Pearl Harbor." I slowly leaked it out to all my important friends and family members. It seems like years have passed since that weekend, but this Friday it will be two weeks since we've officially announced it being over.
      So, as my colleagues compare their battle pains of various body parts...I cannot help but look at my own pains that I feel throughout the day. I know perhaps my pain is not as great or will eventually go away, but I can totally understand their pain. How it feels to have wake up with a pain that never leaves your side and it kinda just dampens your day. It's like you have your own personal Debbie Downer, should you ever be in need of one...please rethink that. To me, being over, is still so new to me. I just don't understand how or why. I know life is so much bigger than what I'm facing right now at this very second...but goodness it does suck for right now. I still want to be friends with this individual...he was my best friend too. He knew so much of who I was and all my little secrets about everything. I just can't stop being a part of their life because they don't want to marry me. I would love it, if he wanted me back. But, I will settle for our friendship we had. Losing two best friends in one year is just something I don't want to do. All I know is that I love someone very much and they don't feel the same for me and that just royally sucks BALLS!!! I'd like to end with this "Happiness is where we find it, but rarely where we seek it."J. Petit Senn <3

Introductions & such...

Hello Blogging world! I've been trying to get myself on the road to writing this blog for over the past year. I've gone through several websites and several periods of "I don't think this is necessary" feelings. But, starting today...here I am. I'm not sure how much of what I will share will be read or if I will share this with my friends and family. A part of this blog, is for me, its my therapy to my road of happiness with life. Life lately, especially  in the past year, has left me feeling a little on the lost side. But, everything in good time. I don't want to just spew out everything in one blog. Recently, I've learned to handle and even talk about things slowly--which for myself is beyond hard. I just like things to get things done as quickly as possible. So please excuse my jumbled thoughts...

But, back to the introductions:  (ahem) Living with my parents as I start my first job (kindergarten teacher) back in my home town, in a very small town. The people who I work with and interact with, have been a part of my life, since my childhood. I'm recently ex-engaged....yeah we'll get to that. I'm learning how to enter the single life, at the age of 25....when all I've known is how to be a someone's other half since I was 18. I know, too young to be tied down. I'm getting over the loss of my best friend, but that's just my day job. I'm really working on finding me, and I welcome anyone who reads this to journey along with me. I wish I could end this with some quirky ending, something a la Sex in the City, but I'm not that cool. All I can say is life is unpredictable and when I'm 90 something I want to look back at this blog and say..."Well, ya made it! After all that, the ending should be a breeze." I can't promise you exciting drama or exciting love flings, but I can promise, myself as I am and who knows every thing else is just by luck. <3