I haven't blogged in forever!! Why??!!! My readers I apologize for keeping you hanging and keeping you without word for about a month or two....since I know you guys just sit and wait for me to post. LOL I hope you got the sarcasm there. Life has become life and its been busy. School has kept me on my toes and I'm very grateful for that. Moving all my belongings back home has also kept me on the busy side. Let's not forget to mention that I'm also trying to have a life outside of my room and my house. I've been on one heck of journey and it's no where near to the end of it either.
Let's see, I've struggled with the pain that someone who was my best friend for the past 6 years now wants nothing to do with me. That has probably, no it has been the hugest milestone this past few months and will continue until my fiancée would like to continue that friendship. I know, why in the world would anyone want to be friends with a person who has made me so bloody miserable, well thats easy your heart loves who it loves. It's that simple folks. I will always love this person and I would gladly take a friendship over nothing any day. We were friends first and I cannot forgot that or erase that history ever, even if I wish away some days--only becasue I get tired of the hurting. I've also over-analyzed my relationship and where I went wrong or him. I've come to this conclusion, we both did wrong. We were in no way perfect. I realize that now. It just saddens me now that so many of the mistakes that I think led up to the undoing of us, could have probably been prevented. We just didn't make the smart choice in confronting those problems and now look what happened. But, hey it's supposed to happen this way for some reason.
Despite my better judgement and probably to my parents dismay, I want to continue the relationships between me and my fiancée's family members. Why? Because they were family to me and they never did anything wrong. It's true, I took a little time to kind of get myself back to a normal before I started seeing or talking to them again. I think I needed some time to think everything through and I needed to have a some what clear head, if I was going to continue those relationships. I've learned a lot about my fiancée through this one past visit with an uncle of his. It's so weird, I thought I knew my fiancée but I didn't. A major reason he couldn't go through with this marriage was because he felt I dominated all the decision makings. Looking back, it's true, I did. But, (this point also brought up by his uncle) my fiancée let me. He never really said no to anything, he went along. I assumed he was fine with everything, yes it annoyed me that he never really gave his opinion on how he felt or helped make those decisions either. I should of pushed for him to make those decisions too. But, my fiancée is a people pleaser. I know he loved me and a major reason he left was because he wasn't ready for marriage and felt that the only way to stop that was, well to end it all. I think if he could've voiced that I might have understood and put everything on a standstill. Who knows??!!! Things were meant to happen this way, though.
Having said all that, well it gets me to my main point. I'm not perfect and I'm okay with that. I've got a strong dominating personality and when put with someone who is not that.....you need to voice your opinions or I just might trample you. I don't mean to. I'm loud and random and chaotic and run into adventures that might not always be smart; but I got one life to live and I want to have fun--no matter what the outcome I will always try to have a good laugh and smile about it, guaranteed! Life is meant to be enjoyed and I'm not going to sit back and take all the risk free paths....nope!! I'm going to run head first into the most dangerous and exciting ones. I just hope if you tag along, please have your big kid undies on and hold on.
I have no idea where my life is headed and I have no control. I'm okay with that. I want to find someone who will love me for all of me, even my imperfections, because that's probably what makes me the most. I can honestly say, even though it pains me, I can move on from my fiancée to someone else. I'm ready to date....hahaha. God help us all!! Who knows how this story will end, but I wont be surprised by the surprises...in fact I welcome them. Here is to all the imperfections in the world...because that's what adds that extra sparkle and beauty. Peace & Love <3
